Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Twelve Days of Christmas -- Hewlett-Style /

Imagine the following, sung beautifully by...I don't know...Andrea Bocelli, or something.
Accompanied by my father on violin,
myself on a rusty trumpet,
and two identical twin six-year-olds on a piano that hasn't been tuned in 25 years.
That's how this song plays out in my food-coma-induced imaginings.

Ready for it?

(NOTE:  When forced to choose, I opted for rhyming over logic.)

On the first day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the second day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the third day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: four (but one in particular) sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: fiiiiiive coooold drinks,
four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: six nieces playing (well...only two, actually, but "niece" rhymes with "geese" and that's hard to pass up.)
Where was I...
Oh yes.
The sixth day of--wait a second, who the hell celebrates Christmas for twelve days? I would gain twelve hundred pounds and get paper cuts from all the present-opening. I just think it's weird. TWELVE DAYS? And who needs that many birds as presents?
But more importantly...
Six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the...wait for it...seventh day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: seven lawns a-swimming (because it rained -- give me a break), six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the eighth (freakin') day of (eternal) Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming (see above apology), six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the ninth...
Small break while I get a glass of wine to give me the strength to continue this...
In-breath, out-breath, in-breath, out-breath...
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: nine cold pills chancing (and if that doesn't make sense, I blame the Sudafed), eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me:  ten stuffed guests sleeping, nine cold pills chancing, eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the (allllmost there, people) eleventh day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: eleven Skypers Skype-ing, ten stuffed guests sleeping, nine cold pills chancing, eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.
On the TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, the Hewletts gave to me: twelve plumbers plumbing (not true, but it rhymes), eleven Skypers Skype-ing, ten stuffed guests sleeping, nine cold pills chancing, eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

I am done.
Merry Christmas!
I still need to do a post about my trip to Italy, which was a complete bust.  All that and more...soon...

k.


29 Comments:

Blogger ysabelkid said...

That was sheer brilliance! Sounds like you had )and are having) a great Christmas - here's to a wonderful new year for you and yours!

2:01 AM  
Blogger Pepe le Quoi said...

That made me laugh so hard. Glad to hear that you seem to be having a wonderful Christmas! :D

2:40 AM  
Blogger The Wondering Brit said...

Great Post, Hope you're having a great time of it :o)

2:45 AM  
Blogger Bev's Place said...

Very clever parody on twelve days of Christmas. My FiL gave me nutmeat out of tin one year for Christmas. It was the thought that counted because it was pretty ordinary...

Happy Christmas and I wish you a fantastic 2010

2:49 AM  
Blogger Clare Revell said...

very good. made me smile after one of the worst christmas's ever in my house.

happy new year

3:19 AM  
Blogger Misty aka s_aurius said...

I loved it, especially the skypers skyping. I just installed skype so I can use it here in Iraq. I haven't actually talked to my family with it yet so I'm hoping it works well!

I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and have a Happy New Year. :)

3:26 AM  
Blogger Spencer said...

Merry Christmas k!

3:35 AM  
Blogger What's up Duck? said...

hehe that's a good one.
Merry Christmas!

4:07 AM  
Blogger irishfaery said...

Well it certainly sounds like you had an interesting (if odd) christmas, lol.

And that version of 12 days of christmas was sheer genius!

6:49 AM  
Blogger Seven said...

You seem to have had a very interesting Christmas. :)

Can't wait to see what you come up with for New Years. :D

8:42 AM  
OpenID sunnyd-lite said...

Yay for creative types on Sudefed! Merry Merry and all the best in 2010

10:08 AM  
Blogger crazymom said...

Yeah! Kate blogged!

10:56 AM  
Blogger Paula said...

Sounds like the usual shenanigans Chez Hewlett. You guys are hilarious.

You make me laugh!

11:07 AM  
Blogger ames said...

Silly Kate, posts like this are why we love your blog. :D

I'm glad you had a merry Christmas, and here's to all the best for you in 2010.

1:36 PM  
Blogger crazymom said...

I think your brother should write a movie about making a bad movie in Bulgaria, and then cast you in it. I would definitely buy the DVD for that one!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Ann B said...

Very nice. It sounds like you are having a lot of fun.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Emma said...

Highly amusing miss Hewlett even if "eight soybeans milking" leaves me with a somewhat odd visual in my imaginarium.

Hope your feeling better, mass ickiness hit our house this Christmas too, leaving I to discribe to the ill folk the actual flavours in the Christmas dinner ;-)

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Elyse said...

That was fun to read, and all the red and green lettering. Bravo!

Sorry to hear Italy was a bust, but I'm sure you had some fun there nevertheless!

7:40 PM  
Anonymous dj-corny said...

You, Mrs, are a sick girl... and I love it xD

9:18 AM  
Blogger Fran said...

Ummm Kate are you drunk? This is so funny, I nearly shot Diet Coke out my mouth and nose and all over my Computer. You are so much like your nerdy brother it ain't funny.

Happy Christmas

Hugs

Fran

4:17 PM  
Blogger Brian Schwartz said...

This is hilarious, thanks for putting all the effort into it!

9:42 PM  
Blogger vanishing_stars said...

Ahaha I think that you beat my 12 days poem...yours rhymed ;) Good job :)

12:22 AM  
Anonymous dj-corny said...

Fran wrote: Ummm Kate are you drunk?

Is it a serious qquiestion? ^^

4:39 AM  
OpenID watcher652 said...

I'm late to the party1 8^( I was expecting a Sunday post and you went and posted on Friday!

You are too funny! Thanks for seasonally colored take on the Twelve Days. I can hear you singing it now...

6:12 AM  
Blogger Adm.Polli said...

My "Christmas":
My father broke down 25.12.
Now, on New Year's Eve, he is at home to die: Cancer.
We care for him since death.

Greetz from Germany
Stefan

12:14 PM  
Blogger katehewlett said...

I'm so sorry, Stefan. Sending lots of good wishes your way...
k.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Adm.Polli said...

Thanks Kate! How sweet of you.
He is even 60! I'm nearly finished...

7:23 PM  
Blogger Ejaz said...

its very interested site.

4:43 AM  
Anonymous Vigrx said...

I like your site

10:15 PM  

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