Loft in Translation

2011-06-28T12:26:00.004-04:00

Stephen Harper has cured my blog-o-phobia /

I've been away for a long time. But I'm back. At least for today.

No, I am not shamelessly promoting any theatre or TV projects. I am not writing about my cats. (Rufus went and died on me, so that part of the blog is done until the day that his obese, fuzzy cat ghost starts haunting me at night. Fingers crossed.)

I'm writing because I'm terrified.

1984 didn't happen in 1984 and it didn't happen in Oceania; it's happening in Toronto in 2011. Let's first be clear about something: I am politically challenged. I have voted Green, Liberal, NDP, Reform (I wish I was kidding) and Conservative. I tend to vote for the person, and not for the party. (Occasionally, I vote for the hair of the person, and not for the party.) I have no beef with Stephen Harper, other than the fact that his morals and my morals do not line up. So what? It just means we'll never hang out or start a book club together.

But when the Federal government cuts ALL FUNDING to the SummerWorks Festival (Canada's largest juried theatre festival) out of the blue, without reason, I worry. I worry so much that I start using capitals and italics with reckless abandon. I worry that my recurring nightmare - about a dystopian state where freedom of speech and creative expression are a thing of the past - is coming true. (Aside: In my dreams, the Earth is overrun with giant abused cats. Thank god the Harper government can't make that happen... right?)

The SummerWorks Festival is the pride and joy of Toronto's arts community. It breeds new Canadian plays, it launches careers, it takes risks, it gives the voiceless a voice. I attend the festival every year (unless I'm actively avoiding an ex), I have acted in three SummerWorks shows and co-written one. I met my best friend doing a SummerWorks show. I have seen some of the best plays of my life (The Russian Play, Greenland, If We Were Birds) at SummerWorks. I don't use the word "lifeblood" very often, but SummerWorks is the lifeblood of Toronto theatre. Lifeblood. Lifeblood lifeblood.

I am so mad I could kick a pig. And I really, really like pigs.

The Toronto Sun (I like to read it for the articles about boobs) IRRESPONSIBLY printed an article about a "terrorist" play and put my friend Lwam on the cover under the headline "Sympathy for the Devil: Your tax dollars help stage play that portrays terrorist in a positive light". So, first of all, my friend Lwam is an actor. HE'S AN ACTOR, TORONTO SUN. And now he's been branded as a terrorist. So that's cool. More importantly, the article was complete and utter bullshit. (That's right, I'm swearing. Sorry, Dad.)

But who the heck reads the Sun, right? Stephen Harper, evidently. I can only assume that the "article" and the uninformed, Sunshine-girl-lovin' buzz it generated contributed in some way to the funding cuts.

If this is not the case, fine. Let's call it a coincidence. Even if the Sun article had nothing to do with Harper's decision, the funding cuts are completely, utterly unacceptable. What kind of Prime Minister, what kind of government, eliminates 100% of the funding to a festival for which Canada is famous? I don't care if you play the piano, Mr. Harper, you don't know the first thing about art, creativity, joy, or passion. You don't know what it's like to work for free just because you love something, to live pay cheque to pay cheque so that you can tell a story you believe in. You don't know what it's like to work twelve, fourteen, sixteen hours a day without pay, just to offer a complete stranger fifty transportive minutes. You don't understand.

Real life is about breakups, cancer, laundry, loss. Real life is about clogged sinks, stubbed toes, money, rules. Theatre is about getting away from it all. It's about education, entertainment and escapism. The SummerWorks Festival is responsible for creating thirty five new Canadian works every year -- and thirty five new ways to see the world.

Harper: I challenge you to attend this year's festival August 4-14. See what you think. And then make better decisions. Also, please fix the Health Care System. It's broken. Admit it. (That was for my dad.)

For everyone else, please please please show SummerWorks your support by making a donation to make up for the $50 000 that they lost. Give five dollars, fifty dollars, your first-born child and your convertible. Anything. Or write a letter... and send it after the postal strike is over and before the garbage strike begins. (It's Toronto, right? There has to be a garbage strike in the summer.)

If you've never heard of the festival, maybe you've heard of Rick Roberts, Nicolas Campbell, Kristen Thomson, Brendan Gall, Julian Richings, Mike McPhaden, Hannah Moscovitch, Yanna McIntosh? No? Well, maybe you should go to SummerWorks. Oh... wait... they just lost their funding.

Here is a link to an article with more info:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/torontos-summerworks-indie-theatre-festival-loses-federal-funding-191348597.html

Here is a link to the SummerWorks Festival itself, where you can donate if you so choose:

http://www.summerworks.ca/2011/home.php

And here is a link to a barking cat, because we all need a little joy in our lives:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP3gzee1cps

Thanks for reading.

2010-02-01T13:48:00.002-05:00

Give me an ass: "Ass!" Give me another ass: "Ass!" What does it spell? Ass ass... ins. Assassins. Wow, I need more sleep. /

I'm sitting in the Evil Empire (Starbucks) drinking a grande soy unsweetened green tea latte (when did I turn into that person) and realizing that I finally have time to blog. Yaaaahooo!

So, I spent the last two weeks in Barrie, Ontario doing the first run of Assassins and all I have to say is this: Barrie is nice. If you can avoid the Hooters. And the weirdo five-way intersection where the green lights don't correspond with the walk signs. But the waterfront is beautiful (I love the sculpture there, for some reason. Welcoming and protective at the same time. Like a good pet.)

Here's a picture, for the two people who care:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/70/Spiritcatcher_barrie_wide.jpg

Anyway... yeah, Barrie's not so bad. The show was well received and except for the odd candy-wrapper-krinkler, the audiences were great. We open in Toronto on Thursday at the Theatre Centre. To buy tickets, you can go here:

http://www.ticketweb.ca/snl/Search.action?query=assassins+stephen+sondheim

I'm loving links today, for some reason. Links links links. La la la. La la la links.

Sorry. Too much green tea. (I'm off coffee! It's been five weeks!)

I am really really proud of Assassins. Please come and see it if you can. The performances by the other actors blow my mind every single night. The amount of talent (and hotness, on an unrelated note) in this cast is extraordinary. Plus, the show itself is a brilliant piece of work: dark, funny, moving, thought-provoking... and short! An hour and forty five minutes! Of music and stuff.

More later...

2010-01-01T04:34:00.001-05:00

A big bust /

No, no, not like that. I didn't have breast augmentation surgery, or buy a new push-up bra, or meet Pamela Anderson at a Science Fiction convention.

Hey...wait...I got your attention though, didn't I? If my male readership increases by 76% this week (as I suspect it might), I'm going to start every post from hereon in with a completely inappropriate, breast-related title: "Twin Peaks" (about a ski trip I've taken), "The Bluetit" (which would obviously be an exploration in British ornithology), "Staying Abreast" (of all kinds of issues -- it's important). The possibilities are endless.

Sorry. I'm on a cornucopia of prescription medication. I'm finding things funny that really aren't. Eg. The green tea I just ordered is in fact red. Ha ha ha ha HA HA HAAAAAA. Yep. Wow.

I'm going to try and write this post without sounding full of self-pity, but I am currently sitting in Heathrow Airport after the worst vacation I've ever had (well, it's tied for first with the family vacation we took to Jamaica when I was nine. I burnt my face off and my parents weren't speaking. That one was pretty bad.)

I arrived in Italy late last Thursday night with the following goals: visiting my mother (which I accomplished), relaxing (nope), shopping (nope) and seeing the Italian countryside (noooope). Instead, I had two days of vacation, then started having sharp chest pains which radiated down my left arm. I didn't want to go into hospital (always a wise choice when you think you're having a heart attack) so I waited it out. In the middle of the night, I woke up in crazy amounts of pain and had to take an ambulance to the hospital just outside of Lucca. It was a bumpy ride and I kept getting the giggles (well, the crying giggles...criggles?) because it sort of felt like a Leslie Neilsen movie. Also, the last time I was in Italy, my mother had to take an ambulance and I rode with her. So ridiculous.

[Okay...just to explain...I wrote that part of the post over a month ago and then got on a plane and forgot all about it. I'll finish it off now!]

When we arrived at the hospital, I was seen right away (one of the benefits to having a mother who lives in the middle of nowhere) and the grumpy doctor did an ECG, took my blood pressure, and told me that it wasn't my heart. Good news... but that's all he said! I went in on a stretcher, and left on foot. In a LOT of pain. He gave me codeine -- which I later discovered I was allergic to -- and made fun of me in Italian, not knowing that I could understand him. (I took a language class in preparation for my "vacation".) My mother and I were then told, at 4 o'clock in the morning, that we couldn't stay at the hospital, we couldn't take a taxi because there wasn't one, and there was no other way of getting home. So we walked. For forty minutes. In the dark. I suppose I came across as a "difficult American tourist" or some stereotype like that (I'm Canadian, of course, but I'm guessing Dr. Awesomepants didn't care) and the doctors thought I was overreacting. I WASN'T!

Anyway...the vacation was a bit of a bust. Just a bummer, I realize. Not a tragedy.

I flew to England after a week in Italy and saw five more doctors there, trying to get a diagnosis and stop the pain. Did I mention that I never get travel insurance because there's no need for it? Oooooops. Now I know. Won't make that mistake again. Ever. Ever ever.

At this point, a few weeks after the fact, I'm still pretty frustrated because I'm not exactly sure what the injury is. I know that it's something to do with my ribs; I think it's muscular; that's pretty much it. I've been seeing a chiropractor -- who, thankfully, has introduced me to a machine known as The Thumper (my favorite invention since The Sandwich Maker) and that seems to be helping a bit.

Anyway...

All this to say: I mentioned a few weeks back that I couldn't post for a while due to a top secret mission. The mission was that I was going to surprise my friend Jessica who is attending theatre school in London. I was going to show up at her door and freak her out. ( "YOU THOUGHT I WAS IN TORONTO! I'M IN ENGLAND!!! BLAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAA!") I knew that she would read my blog if I posted about my trip, and I knew that if I blogged, I wouldn't be able to resist talking about my trip.

So that was the big mystery.

Needless to say, the surprise didn't happen because I couldn't get out of bed! I got to see her, though. And she carried my bags at Heathrow! All day! And she is a dear, dear friend who I would trust with my life. (Thanks, Jessica, if you're reading this instead of doing a term paper. I love you.)

Onward and upward:

I started rehearsals for Sondheim's Assassins on Monday morning, directed by the incomparable Adam Brazier. It's terrifying and exciting and wonderful. The team is AMAZING. Totally humbling. And no egos!

And I have to play the trumpet.

Ohhhhh dear.

All the best to all of you in 2010!

Now to make some New Year's Resolutions:

1) Sleep more.

Uh...that's all I've got so far...

2009-12-26T00:27:00.003-05:00

The Twelve Days of Christmas -- Hewlett-Style /

Imagine the following, sung beautifully by...I don't know...Andrea Bocelli, or something.

Accompanied by my father on violin,

myself on a rusty trumpet,

and two identical twin six-year-olds on a piano that hasn't been tuned in 25 years.

That's how this song plays out in my food-coma-induced imaginings.

Ready for it?

(NOTE: When forced to choose, I opted for rhyming over logic.)

On the first day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the second day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the third day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: four (but one in particular) sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the fifth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: fiiiiiive coooold drinks,

four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: six nieces playing (well...only two, actually, but "niece" rhymes with "geese" and that's hard to pass up.)

Where was I...

Oh yes.

The sixth day of--wait a second, who the hell celebrates Christmas for twelve days? I would gain twelve hundred pounds and get paper cuts from all the present-opening. I just think it's weird. TWELVE DAYS? And who needs that many birds as presents?

But more importantly...

Six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the...wait for it...seventh day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: seven lawns a-swimming (because it rained -- give me a break), six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the eighth (freakin') day of (eternal) Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming (see above apology), six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the ninth...

Small break while I get a glass of wine to give me the strength to continue this...

In-breath, out-breath, in-breath, out-breath...

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: nine cold pills chancing (and if that doesn't make sense, I blame the Sudafed), eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: ten stuffed guests sleeping, nine cold pills chancing, eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the (allllmost there, people) eleventh day of Christmas, the Hewletts gave to me: eleven Skypers Skype-ing, ten stuffed guests sleeping, nine cold pills chancing, eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

On the TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, the Hewletts gave to me: twelve plumbers plumbing (not true, but it rhymes), eleven Skypers Skype-ing, ten stuffed guests sleeping, nine cold pills chancing, eight soybeans milking, seven lawns a-swimming, six nieces playing, fiiiiiive coooold drinks, four sibling nerds, three french sticks, two twins I love and a nut loaf instead of cooked meat.

I am done.

Merry Christmas!

I still need to do a post about my trip to Italy, which was a complete bust. All that and more...soon...

2009-12-07T11:58:00.010-05:00

2009-11-29T12:30:00.002-05:00

Quick Quick Bo Bick /

Hello!

I just wanted to tell those of you who follow this blog (yes, all two of you) that I will be out of commission until mid-December, so I won't be updating until then. (I'll explain later. Good reasons, not bad!) I haven't forgotten my blog, though. I've got lots of ideas brewing...sort of...mmm, brew...beer...delicious...

Wow.

Happy Sunday!

2009-11-16T22:11:00.008-05:00

The Post With The Most* /

*Some conditions apply. May in fact be a mediocre post. Author may be using "most" as an abbreviation for "almost", which doesn't make grammatical sense, but which seems like a good excuse because the author didn't get enough sleep last night and is really super tired. Warning: may cause choking. Offer not available in Canada.

I'm blogging tonight because I'm a woman of my word: I said that I'd update on Sundays and will you look at that? It's Sunday again.

In some countries.

Like...in...Australia.

And in...Sp...eng...aly. Spengaly, yeah. It's definitely Sunday there. And so humid!

Ahem.

So...

This week was definitely an improvement on last week, and not just because I knew better than to watch "V" this time around. (Sorry to any "V" fans out there, but WOW. Wow. No.) I had my last Italian class of the term, so I now feel confident that if I went to Italy, I could converse with a really slow six-year-old about numbers, colours and days of the week. So that's helpful.

I drank cheap champagne with my lady-friends on Thursday night, then attended a masquerade ball with them on Saturday night, where I consumed far too many Molson Canadians, at seven dollars a bottle. I also had my first on-camera audition in months, which involved too much makeup and some awkward flirting. (As the character, of course.) We had yet ANOTHER goddamn mother-freakin' open house on Saturday, with the goal of selling a home that someone else owns that we don't want to leave. So that was interesting. I had to whisk the cats away on an adventure in order to free up the house for the real estate agents and potential buyers. (An actual adventure, I mean. That wasn't a euphemism for the vet's office or that big litterbox in the sky.)

My macbook air just beeped at me in a long, sad, meek little way. It's never made that sound before. Hmmm...

I found out yesterday that Flashpoint won a whole truckload of Geminis on Saturday night (yaaaaaay!) and that Erin Karpluk (who is possibly the coolest lady on the planet...not that I've met her, but she seems like she would be) won a Best Actress award for Being Erica. I love that show and think that she is phenomenally talented.

What else...

Oh! I also went to opening night of (I'm going to get this titel wrong. And apparently misspell "title" in the process. Here goes nothin'...) My Mother's Jewish Lesbian Wiccan Wedding. (Was that right? I'll look it up and make sure.) It was wonderful! If you are in or near Toronto, you should see it. It is thoroughly charming, as well as funny, heartwarming and unexpectedly moving. The staging is very simple, so don't expect a chandelier to fall on your head, a Chevy to drive across the stage, or buckets of beer to be dumped on the audience. (That last one's never actually happened, but a girl can dream.) It basically feels like a group of friends telling a story that's personal to them in a creative and engaging way.

I'm going to stop pretending to be a reviewer now. I liked Twilight, for goodness' sake. What do I know?

One last thing about the show, though: LISA HORNER. She's the lead in the show; she carries it; she's beautiful; she's open; she sings like an angel (a cool one with great hair) and she is wonderful to watch.

That's my schpiel.

I'm going to bed now. It's time. It's really really time.

p.s. Yes, I did in fact get the titel/title wrong. It's My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding. Because the lesbian part happens first. That's how I'm going to remember it. It will also help that the poster is on my blog. And the title is conveniently written on the poster. They thought of everything.

2009-11-09T12:09:00.003-05:00

Happy Smonday /

If I call it "Smonday", it sounds a little more like "Sunday", which means I'm a hair closer to meeting my goal of blogging the same day each week. So happy Smonday, folks.

Last week was utter craziness! I had some major rewrites to do on my short film, as well as Italian homework, flu recovery, meetings meetings meetings and an open house (because our landlords are selling our perfect little house -- BOOOOOO. My roommate and I do NOT want to move again.)

Making a short film is a lot of work -- who knew?! When all is said and done, She Said Lenny will probably end up being eight or nine minutes long...and my business partner and I have been working on it for two years! We were set to shoot the thing this month, but that is unlikely to happen, so we are now aiming for early March. I am trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up (yes, still), which will affect what my role is in the creation of the film. Should I act in it? Should I direct it? [Terrifying prospect. I have so much admiration for my brother, who directed a feature film (A Dog's Breakfast) his first time out of the gate.] Should I shadow a kick-ass director? Should I learn how to produce so that I can get stuff done and not be waiting around for other people all the time? Should I focus on writing and let the experts handle the technical stuff?

It's oddly disconcerting to be 32 (almost 33) and not quite know what to do with my life. It's also kind of exciting. And it's nice to have the luxury of being able to ask those questions.

In other news: a stranger called me a c**t this morning. Always a nice start to the day. I was just minding my own business, enjoying the sunshine and drinking a latte made out of beans, when an angry man with pre-pubescent facial hair came up to me, pointed in my face and called me...you got it...the C-word. I'm not sure where my impulse came from, but I gave him a big smile and said "Thank you! Have a nice day." This made him even angrier. He growled, "There are others like you," at which point I realized that he was out of his f**kin' mind. Which made it less personal, somehow. It was also reassuring to learn that there are other c**ts around -- you know, in case I need friends and no one will talk to me because I'm such a c**t.

Wow. I'm deriving way to much pleasure from the cartoon swearing today.

&*!@

**!@!

Have a happy week, everyone. And remember: don't let crazy men on the street ruin your day. I think you're swell.

k!t@

2009-11-03T02:09:00.003-05:00

Fluuuuuu /

There was no post this Sunday, because I was suffering from the worst flu I've ever had. Craziness. Much better now, though!

More soon...

la la la...

(I'm just trying to make this look longer.)

2009-10-26T22:54:00.002-04:00

Monday?! What?! Already? /

Well, I spent the entire day thinking it was Sunday, so I'm going with that excuse and blogging today instead. I almost missed my own dinner party, in fact, because I was so convinced that it was still the weekend. Oops. The dinner party went very well, though. Tacos. Veganlicious.

I am so tired that typing is requiring more energy than a spin class would on a normal day. Not that I do spin classes, but if I did, I think this is how I would feel. On a normal day.

That made a-no-a-sense-a.
(Yes, I have Italian class tomorrow. Domani! Looking forward to that. Si. Prego. Puccini.)

I had a lovely week with lovely people. Parties and meetings and writing and classes and more writing and a bit too much wine. (I'm back! Yaaaaahooooooo!)

Both of the cats are asleep and I'm jealous of them. I think I have to go to bed. Otherwise, I might start saying nonsensical things.

Potato prom pants.
(I warned you.)

k.

2009-10-18T11:07:00.003-04:00

Start spreading the shoes...or booze...depending on which one you prefer as a title /

Another Sunday, another blog entry. (See? When I make rules for myself, I stick to them. Sometimes. Unless they relate to chocolate. Or spending less money. Or moisturizing more often.)

I am on an airplane on my way home from New York City, where I intended to take a vacation, but where I actually spent the full two days trying to figure out the subway system. I missed seeing a reportedly fabulous musical because I waited patiently for over an hour for the express train…which doesn’t run on weekends. But, I mean, how the heck was I supposed to know that? I’m a tourist, not a psychic. Sure, there was a massive sign on every single column that said, “THE EXPRESS TRAIN DOES NOT RUN ON WEEKENDS. I REPEAT: THE EXPRESS TRAIN DOES NOT RUN ON WEEKENDS. ATTENTION: KATE HEWLETT. NO EXPRESS TRAIN ON WEEKENDS. YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU, DUM-DUM.” But how was I to know?

To be honest, the actual reason why I waited so long and missed the musical was that I was so engrossed in my book, I didn’t notice the absence of the train. What was this magical and all-consuming book, you may ask? Well, imaginary friend who asks all the right questions, the book is called “The Book Thief” and it is now officially in my top five books of all time. It is wonderful. (Damn sad because it takes place in Munich during WWII, but wonderful.) It’s one of those “maybe don’t read this in public” books, though, because on every other page I found myself welling up. In New York, I’m now known as the crazy random crying lady who waits for non-trains for over an hour.

I had yet another subway mishap last night, when I got on the Q train instead of the Some Other Letter I Can’t Remember Right Now train and ended up in Brooklyn thirty six blocks away from where I was staying. And it was 1:30 in the morning. I am awesome. I walked the whole way, though, so I got some terror-filled exercise.

The good parts of the weekend:

-the Bridge Theatre Company’s season launch party (and no, curious imaginary friend, I didn’t drink booze. Thanks for asking. I’m at day 22 of 28 days on the wagon! Maybe the longest I’ve ever gone…since high school)
-hanging out with Martin Gero (twice! That guy just keeps following me around. Buying me dinner, finding time in his busy schedule to see readings of my plays, introducing me to Bill Nye the Science Guy – so frustrating)
-MEETING BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY (who is very funny and charming, by the way)
-spending time with one of my oldest friends (with whom, coincidentally, I always used to get in trouble in Science class. I guess that’s why I’m an actor, not a successful physicist with my own show. Yeah, let’s blame her for that. Dana, it's your fault that "Kate Schmate the Science Date" isn't sweeping the nation.
-buying some fantabulous Steve Madden boots (story to follow)
-working with a great new bunch of people on the Swearing Jar script.

The boot story: my friend and I went shopping. I spotted, flirted with, fell in love with and then acquired a pair of grey awesomeboots. As I was walking out of the store already sporting said awesomeboots, I noticed that one of my feet was considerably larger than the other one. Being a woman and a Canadian, I blamed myself. “My feet must be two different sizes," I said, "and I've just never noticed it before. Oh well." My friend, also a woman and a Canadian, but with bigger cahones, suggested that I check the bottom of the boots. One was a size larger than the other one. My feet are fine. Not gorgeous, but fine. I exchanged awesomeboot #2 for awesomeboot #3 and now all is well.

Oh! We are about to land in Toronto.

Now I get to see my cats.

Have a great week…

k.
p.s. Those aren't my boots in the picture. I just thought it might be nice to include a picture. Of boots.

2009-10-11T14:52:00.003-04:00

Happy Thanksgiving! /

Well, it's Sunday. And I'm blogging. Just like I promised. But I've been writing a feature film treatment for the last four hours and my eyes are bleeding from staring at a computer screen for so long, so this will be BRIEF.

I'm off to the Hewletts for a turkey dinner (bringing my own tofurky slices and mushroom gravy, obviously...) and then to a friend's house for the tail-end of their Thanksgiving dinner. I feel like I should be writing tonight, but Thanksgiving is about loved ones, right? And mashed potatoes.

Here are some things that I am grateful for: my friends, my cats, my family (not in that order), The Wire, sunshine in the morning, rain anytime, the fact that I get to do what I love for a living (even though I forget that sometimes), my health, my hips (that's a lie, but if I say it enough I might start to believe it), chocolate soy milk, my apartment, my roommate, the fact that I saw a mouse in my bedroom the other day but haven't seen another one since, good movies, bad movies that make me believe I could write a movie, my freedom and my friends. (My friends are worth mentioning twice.)

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! And skip the turkey!

k.

2009-10-04T18:13:00.003-04:00

I'm a blogging machine! /

Look at that. I'm back already.

At this rate, you'll be so sick of me by next Sunday, you'll be begging for the recent days of loft-in-translationlessness, when procrastination and facebook dominated my days, and pilsner and 30 Rock dominated my nights. No more! (But mostly because my video store doesn't have Season 3 of 30 Rock yet...)

This is just a quick update, because I want to answer a question from one of the lovely people who commented on my last post (thanks for the responses, by the way. I can't believe you guys are giving me a second chance! Or, if you found me on twitter, a first chance...) Arlessiar from Germany asked about "Fancy" and about my role in it, so I though I'd give you a quick rundown of the show and post a photo (I hope I'm allowed to do that...hmm...if I get sued, I'll blame Germany).

I found this synopsis of Fancy on inbaseline.com:

"Maureen Fancy is the host of a children's TV show. On screen she is perky and happy, but off screen she deals with the complications of the adult world."

It's kind of like 30 Rock meets Mr. Rogers. The writing is PHENOMENAL. Funny and touching and charming and smart (written and co-produced by my new idol, Wendy Hopkins). I play Maureen Fancy, and my best friend Leslie is played by the hilarious Jana Peck, with whom I instantly connected. She is insanely talented and has great things in her future...mark my words...

The male lead is played by Patrick McKenna. (Yes! Patrick McKenna of Traders and Red Green fame! If I believed in "squee"ing, I would "squee" right now.) He is such an amazing man and I learned so much from working with him, even though it was only for one week. Not only is he the consummate professional -- he is NICE. And genuine. I think if this thing goes to series, we could encounter some giggling issues because he's so damn funny and I'm so damn easily distracted, but other than that, it'll be smooth sailing.

We shot the pilot in August in Vancouver, but we won't find out until March (MARCH! FIVE MONTHS! TORTURE!) if it will go to series (on CBC). I will be over the moon if it does, but even if it doesn't, it was one of the greatest work experiences I've ever had. And I learned a lot. And, more importantly...it was fun.

See you Sunday...

...or in several hours if I keep avoiding writing this damn film treatment...

k.

2009-10-03T21:18:00.003-04:00

Remember Me?? /

Well, folks...now that I've probably lost any readers I once had...I am officially re-committing to Loft in Translation. I'm going to aim for one blog post every Sunday and see how that goes. If I do not live up to this promise and you happen to run into me on the chilly streets of Toronto, feel free to rap my knuckles or spit in my eye (unless you have hepatitis) or just yell mean things about my thighs at me. I will understand.

So here's why I'm coming back:

I just read a blog entry written by a friend of mine. Well...an almost friend. A cool acquaintance with whom I will hopefully be friends at some point, but so far, we're not friends. Well not really. Not yet. What was I talking about again?

-ahem-

I just read a blog entry written by an acquaintance of mine, and it was brilliant. If it had been the first page of a novel, I would have read the whole book. If it had been a movie synopsis, I would have forked out fifteen bucks to sit in one of those large, sense-assaulting movie theatres with too many lights and the undeniable smell of cat urine, and watched the whole damn movie. If the romantic things in his post had been written about me, I might be married right now (if I believed in marriage. Which maybe I do. I'm not sure. I can't decide.) Anyway...this one page blog post reminded me that all kinds of writing can be moving or important or just plain entertaining and that my time would be better spent writing blog posts (even if they're at best mediocre and at worst eye-stabbingly annoying) than spending seven hours on facebook looking at baby pictures of the children of the people I didn't really know in high school.

So today I'm blogging about...

Wait for it...

It's going to be earth shattering...

Near Beer.

(Did that move you? Did it? Did I succeed? I'm a bit rusty. Give me some time.)

I happen to love near beer. True, it tastes kind of terrible in a familiar yet disappointing way and when you order it in a bar, you get looked at like you're wearing a retainer and a beanie, but it reminds me enough of actual beer that I just can't dislike it. But why do I love it? I think it's the fact that it looks like beer when I'm holding it, fills me up like beer (or perhaps even more so -- man, those things are bubbly) and keeps me looking bad-ass at bars (once the excruciating task of ordering it is over and it's been put in a good old-fashioned non-descript pint glass). Also, if I drink ten near beers, I am ten times less likely to end up with an enormous bill and three awful new friends.

I am currently on Day Seven of no booze (which is really impressive! I go out a lot!) and near beer is saving my bacon. I've also been following a vegan diet for seven days, so I probably shouldn't use expressions with the word 'bacon' in them. And when I say vegan "diet", please don't be fooled. There is nothing diet-y about it. I have never eaten more (or better) in my life. For anyone who's listening: if you ever have to choose between eating organic vegan gluten-free german chocolate cake and finding your soul mate, choose the cake. It's life altering.

I know that you're probably rolling your eyes right now. (It's the gluten-free thing, isn't it...) But it was amazing! Truly! Try it! And go here every day:

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/

It will help a little furry creature.

Thanks for reading this. Welcome back. See you next Sunday! I'm meeting with a story editor on Monday, starting Italian lessons on Tuesday (Si! E vero!), learning how to do my makeup properly on Tuesday night (I'm not so good at the girly stuff -- never have been), doing ADR for 'Fancy' (the pilot I shot in August) on Thursday, and then doing a play reading all day Friday. So there will be lots to talk about! Except that I just did.

Hmmmm...maybe I'll just talk about non-alcoholic wine instead...

k.

2009-05-17T15:44:00.002-04:00

A Last-Minute Quickie (blog entry, that is...) /

So...back in January 2008 when I actually used to do this thing called "blogging", I diligently followed each shooting day of a little movie called The Last New Year. And now it's having its Toronto premiere! The first screening is tonight at 7pm at the Royal (608 College St., near Clinton) and the cast and crew will be on hand afterwards for a talkback Q&A thingy. (I hope no one asks me anything. I have a terrible memory. For example, I forgot -- yet again -- that I had a blog.) Some of us will also be around for the screenings tomorrow night and Tuesday night at 7pm. I'll definitely be there tonight and tomorrow night.

I haven't had a coffee yet today (or even a piece of soy bacon), so I think it's very likely that I'm making this sound more complicated than it really is.

Here's a facebook link to help you get tickets:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=86860432960

If you check the Loft in Translation archives from January 2008, you might get even more of a kick out of seeing the film, as there are some behind the scenes stories.

I have never seen this movie (never ever!), so I'm super nervous as always, but the director Garfield Lindsay Miller is incredibly talented and the cast and crew rocked (to bring back a term from the nineties) so I can't wait to finally see it...

Hope to see some of your friendly faces there. Leave your angry faces at home. And your drunk faces. Well, save those for after the movie.

k.

2009-03-12T22:51:00.003-04:00

Lions and Dry Bars and Beers, OH MY! /

So...I went to Las Vegas last week, which I think justifies an all-green blog entry (you know, to symbolize all the money I won. Ahem. AHEM! Cccccough. Excuse me. I just got something stuck in my throat there for a second. Maybe a candy. Or a BIG FAT LIE...or something.)
This is going to be quick, because I have an audition tomorrow morning and I should be working right now. Or sleeping. But definitely not blogging.

So...yeah. VEGAS! It was my second time going there and I absolutely loved it. There is no better place to completely let loose and enjoy yourself and laugh your head off...and play penny slots. I have (well, had) one hundred dollars in the world, so the penny slots were my only hope. And I actually won a hundred dollars! I doubled my bank account balance. How d'you like THOSE odds, suckahs?

Anyway...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (unless it's a head cold or a bottle of Scotch you purchased at the Duty Free) but what I will say is this: I haven't felt this relaxed or cheery in a very long time. I met a bunch of really fantastic new people, got to know some of my friends a little better, chatted with some scantily clad but stereotype-shattering women, discovered the joys of vodka, re-discovered the joys of Corona, bought a five-dollar coffee (and it wasn't even a latte -- MAN, that place is expensive), had the best meal of my life at a restaurant called "Stack", saw the MGM lions up close and personal, thought how much they resembled Rufus, missed Rufus, bet on horses (little tiny plastic horses with little plastic 1970s jockeys on them), strolled in the sun and thought how nice it must be to live in a place where you don't have to put on seventeen layers of clothing before you go outside, danced a LITTLE bit -- I'm shy about dancing, stayed at my favorite hotel, saw the lions again (loved those lions -- are they happy in there, though? The foliage is made of styrofoam...), lay in the sun (in jeans, but still), tossed veganism aside with a vengeance (eggs are delicious), read some scripts, drank far too much sugar-free Red Bull (I know, I know), and stayed up until sunrise. Repeatedly.
That was actually quite a thorough report, wasn't it? Well, the DETAILS stay in Vegas...

Hope you are all well and happy.

I am loving my new home, loving my new roommate and loving the fact that Spring is on its way.

I am also officially obsessed with Twitter. It's a problem.

K.

2009-02-26T09:37:00.003-05:00

A Cool Dude Goes Out On His Own /

So...Steven Page has left the Barenaked Ladies after twenty odd years and is now focusing on his solo career. Here is a link to his facebook fan page if you want updates on concerts, media bookings, etc.:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Steven-Page/67259946954

I have seen him perform live as a solo artist and he is WONDERFUL. He's also a really lovely and funny person, which gets him bonus marks in my book (not that I have a 'book'. I have a MacBook -- does that count?)

Also...thanks so much for all the responses to my last post. Now I have no excuse! Let the writing BEGIN!

k.

2009-02-25T13:31:00.002-05:00

La la la la writing a musical la la la /

Heeeeelp! I am at a coffee shop "writing", which actually involves drinking faaaaar too much coffee, stalking people on facebook, stalking people on Twitter, switching tables every thirteen minutes to see if it the new scenery will inspire me, checking my email, checking my email, checking my email, noticing that the artwork here is really freakin' creepy, checking my email and ordering another coffee.

If anyone is reading this, I am in need of inspiration. So I'm turning to you! Can you post a comment that includes:

1) A first name for a guy
2) A first name for a girl
3) A location
4) An adjective
5) A pet peeve
6) The title of the best play or movie you've ever seen

This is obviously just for fun, but you never know what will spark an idea for a scene...

k.

2009-02-22T01:10:00.002-05:00

Hi there... /

Well, I had decided to update my blog with talk of peanut butter and roast wheat sandwiches (I've temporarily gone vegan), then I saw the comment about how I only update when I'm trying to promote something. So now I guess I'd better promote something, or I'll be proving that awesome dude/dudette wrong.

Um...I'm writing to promote my...cat? Yeah. My cat. He has just recorded an album about a movie he wrote starring him and my other cat, Martha. It's called "Self-Promotion: The Movie Musical About Me". Hope you enjoy it.

I'm also writing to promote my new roll. I stopped working out a few months ago and I just noticed that I now have four hips instead of two. So that's exciting. My new roll will no doubt be expanding until the summer, when I can start running again.

Also...I'd like to promote my new house. I moved (YES. AGAIN. I HAVE A PROBLEM. I KNOW) in the middle of December and I have a proper home now, with one roommate, two cats, a real live staircase...and a dishwasher.

Most of all, I would like to promote self-promotion. 'Cause hey -- it's important.

Hope you are all well and WARM. It's freakin' cold in Toronto.

k.

2009-01-22T10:23:00.002-05:00

The First Song on my New EP! /

So...twenty five lovely and supportive and German people at the convention in Bad Salzdetfurth kindly purchased the five songs from my first ever EP. On my reverb nation page, you will find a sneak peek (sneak listen? sneak...uh...hear? sneak...ummm...i need a coffee) from that album. I won't post the other four songs because I'm saving them for those twenty five people who put their faith in me and bought the songs in advance! And again, to those delightful people: I AM SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY. The other songs are coming -- I swear. Technical difficulties. Recording is hard. (I'm done whining now. Wait...no...Waaaaaaa! Weeeeeee! Waaaaaaa. There. Now I'm done.)

I hope everyone is having a happy Thursday/January/new year/miserable grey Toronto-y winter. So far, I am in love with 2009! Humans Anonymous went really well; I've got great friends; I haven't stuck to a single one of my resolutions; I've discovered vegan carrot cake; everything is as it should be. Also, just for the record, I liked 2009 before it even started, because 9 is my favourite number. It's the last single digit! (I know, I know...just like me. Hardy har.)

If you don't mind, please go here and become a fan:

http://www.reverbnation.com/katehewlett

(even if you kind of hate the song a bit. Or it makes your ears bleed or reminds you of your first boyfriend or gets stuck in your head for weeks at a time. I really need some fans.)

It's called Grey Suit Collar and Chris Stanton did the arrangement, as well as the vocals, piano and guitar. I wrote the music and lyrics and I sing with Chris in the recording.

Thanks!

K.

2008-12-14T21:16:00.001-05:00

Join the 'Humans Anonymous' Facebook Group /

My play Humans Anonymous is coming to Toronto! Please come and see it if you are in the Toronto area, or if you are uber-rich and love to travel, or if you just can't get enough of snowy weather, or if you've always wanted to see the CN Tower, or if you love theatre, or if you have so much vacation time you don't know what to do with it all, or if you love to laugh until it hurts, or if you have ever had your heart broken, or if you are a big a fan of the following actors, just like I am:
Michelle Giroux, Philip Graeme, me (well, I'm not a fan of me, but I'm in the cast, so I can't leave me out), Mayko Nguyen and Gregory Prest

Directed by Andrew Hachey (the 'A' in 'PHARK', for those of you who remember...) Stage Managed by Sherry Roher At the Factory Theatre Mainspace from January 8-18th.

JOIN OUR FACEBOOK GROUP FOR MORE INFO! PLEASE JOIN! EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN VENEZUELA AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THE SHOW, JOIN!

http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/group.php?gid=51298981584&ref=mf

K.

2008-12-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

Hilfe! /

Here are some pics from my trip to Germany and Italy. Thanks to everyone who made it so much fun...

I feel almost human again!

K.

2008-10-23T11:32:00.000-04:00

Ah, the Life of an Actor /

Okay! I just submitted the picture of Rufus to catsinsinks.com. Another full morning for Kate Hewlett...

k.

2008-10-22T21:21:00.000-04:00

I have a tea strainer instead of a brain /

So...sometimes I forget things. I forget where I put my keys (daily, especially if I'm in a hurry), what my PIN number is, who I made plans with, why I made those plans, what time my audition is at (possibly because they only happen once every leap year), where I keep the cleaning products (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it), whether or not I put my iPod in my purse, where my purse is, what my name is, whose cats these are, etc. etc.

And in this instance, I forgot that I had a blog. Seriously. I'm not even going to make one of my "Hey! Look at me! I'm back in Blogland! I'm gonna update every three hours for the rest of my life!" promises, because I wouldn't stick to it anyway.

Instead, I'm going to give you a brief update of my thrilling life, and say that my excuse for not updating is that I had a baby, got married, finished a series, wrote a whole bunch of new projects and renovated my house. OH. NO. WAIT. That was the OTHER Hewlett.

I have no excuse (except for the whole memory thing. See? I even forgot that I already had an excuse) but I do have updates. Okay...here goes...

The Swearing Jar (my newest play) happened in July and got extended for a week, which was very exciting. The cast, director, stage manager and everyone involved were incredible and I have become besties (to use a term they use a lot in Ugly Betty) with Janet Porter, the lead actress, whose talent blows my mind a little bit. She will be famous one day -- you heard it here first! In August, I did a lot of leisurely traveling (cottages and things) and saw one of the best plays I have ever seen: If We Were Birds by Erin Shields. Inspiring and moving and funny as well. I myself have not been writing, because procrastination has once again become my main focus. It takes a lot of time to really, truly, thoroughly commit to being a Grand Procrastinator of the Highest Order, but I am slowly climbing the ladder. Or doing other things while the ladder just sits there.

I have stayed in my current apartment (in Toronto) for almost a full year, which may well be a record for me. The rent is going up more than it is legally allowed to, which fills me with rage and thus cake, but as a Grand Procrastinator of the Highest Order In Training, I'm not going to do anything about it. Ooh! Ooh! I just moved up a rung.

In November, I am going to Las Vegas for a girls' weekend (my first time EVER in Vegas) and at the end of the month, I am heading to Germany for a small convention in Bad Salzdenfurth. I am pleased to say that I will be selling my new EP at the convention! It will have five original songs on it, written and sung by me, and arranged and performed (instrumentally) by Chris Stanton, the most ridiculously multi-talented man alive. Seriously. I'm not even using hyperbole. I may try to sell the Cds online in the new year if all goes well at the con!

In December, I will begin rehearsals for a brand new version of Humans Anonymous. It will be a one-act, 75-minute draft and the cast will include: Michelle Giroux, Philip Graeme, me, Gregory Prest and Mayko Nguyen. I'm so freakin' excited! The play itself will happen at the Next Stage Festival here in Toronto from January 7-17 at the Factory Theatre Mainspace. Andrew Hachey will be directing. Right after that Festival, I will begin shooting She Said Lenny, a short film that I wrote (loosely based on Humans Anonymous), which will also be starring Michelle Giroux and myself, directed by Michael Schultz and produced by Paul Lenart. We won funding from BravoFact, so it's actually going to happen! Wheeeeee!

Well...that's it for me. Hope all is well with you if you are reading this. Wait. That came out wrong. I hope that all is well with you if you aren't reading this, too. It's just that you wouldn't know that I hoped that you...oh forget it. Happy Wednesday/Thursday!

k.
p.s. The photos are just random shots from the last few months: me in a flower shop in Montreal, my sister's tree-climbing twins, a cat in a sink, a cat in a box, another cat in the same box.

2008-08-23T19:47:00.000-04:00

And anotha one... /

I have been invited back for a second day of autograph signings at the Fan Expo here in Toronto tomorrow, so please come and see me if you can!

I'll be signing autographs (well, I'll be signing silly pictures of David and I) from 1 to 4pm, right next to Battlestar's Aaron Douglas.

Here are the details:

http://www.hobbystar.com/fanexpo2008/

My table is right at entrance D in the big main room. I'll be sharing a table with Aaron Douglas again, so come and meet the Chief, too!

(I'm a last-minute addition, so you won't find me in the program...
I'm mysterious like that...
Well, I like to pretend that I am...)

K.

2008-08-23T01:58:00.000-04:00

It's 2am and I should be asleep... /

Hi there! Just a VERY quick post to say that I will be signing autographs from 12:30pm(ish) until 3pm tomorrow (SATURDAY...which is technically today) at the Fan Expo at the Convention Centre here in Toronto. I'm a last minute addition to the con, but Aaron Douglas and I will be sharing a table, so come and meet us! Please! Otherwise, I'll be bored and he'll be all busy being famous and signing things...

Sleep. Now. Must. Sleep. So. Tired. Too. Many. Beers. See. You. Tomorrow.

(It's at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre.)

k.

2008-07-04T14:20:00.000-04:00

The Swearing Jar at the Toronto Fringe Festival/

Hi everybody! We've been getting some terrific reviews, so don't wait too late to get your tickets to The Swearing Jar.

Here's just some of the feedback so far:

From THE GATE.CA...

http://www.thegate.ca/reviews/01560/toronto-fringe-08-swearing-jar/
Rated: 9 out of 10

Jory Brophy said: "The Swearing Jar is a richly textured drama, with well paced staging and sharp and engaging dialogue... As the story unfolds in a seamless series of flashbacks and vignettes, the jar becomes a symbol of the emotional capital invested in a marriage... The four actors all give outstanding performances, enlivening playwright Kate Hewlett’s bright banter. Indeed, Hewlett has written a gem, complete with plaintive songs, that clearly touched the audience."

From EYE MAGAZINE...

FOUR STARS!

David Balzer loved the "uniformly likable cast (especially cute-as-a-button Janet Porter as the lead), and Hewlett’s remarkable talent for capturing the essence of casual-yet-meaningful exchanges between partners."

And THE GLOBE AND MAIL...
theglobeandmail.com

Kelly Nestruck writes "Hewlett, whose earlier play Humans Anonymous was a sell-out at the Fringe two years ago, should have another festival hit on her hands here. Cleverly structured and interspersed with song, it always stays light, funny and charming."

Please come out and see the show -- I'm so proud of the cast and crew!

Just to remind you about the details:

The Swearing Jar
by Kate Hewlett
in the TARRAGON MAINSPACE (30 Bridgman Ave., near Bathurst and Dupont)
Wed Jul 2 / 8.45 pm
Fri Jul 4 / 10.30 pm (tonight!!)
Sun Jul 6 / 1.15 pm
Tue Jul 8 / 7.00 pm
Wed Jul 9 / 4.00 pm
Thu Jul 10 / 2.15 pm
Sat Jul 12 / 9.45 pm

NO LATECOMERS
TIX $10 / Cheaper with a pass!

To buy tickets, you can show up at the door (at least half an hour before the start time) or go to fringetoronto.com OR phone 416-966-1062.

So many options. Wow.

See you there if you live in or near Toronto!

K.

2008-06-17T10:22:00.000-04:00

Martin Gero is my Hero /

If you haven't seen this movie, SEE IT. I loved it loved it loved it. Great writing, great performances (from hot people -- a rare combination), lots of heart, lots of sexy (I know that doesn't make grammatical sense, but still), lots of laughs, beautifully shot. I was so impressed.

So see it!

K.

2008-06-13T16:28:00.000-04:00

And also... /

More details on The Sound Plays, including show times:

Newly commissioned original scripts on the themes of journeys from some of Toronto's most exciting young playwrights (playwrights Kate Hewlett, Daniel Karasik and Brendan Gall) to be directed by emerging directors (Michael Murphy, Brendan Healy and Ravi Jain) and to be read by actors as radio plays and performed in three formats -with live sound design by Richard Feren, with live foley artist Brooke Graeff, and with live musical accompaniment by Adam Sherkin on piano. Starring: Lindsey Clark Scott Clarkson Noa May Dorn Rick Jon Egan Shira Leuchter Benjamin Mehl
*Each show plays at every performance*
Performance Times:
Friday June 13 - 7:00, 8:30pm
Saturday June 14 - 12:30, 2:00, 3:30, 6:30, 8:00pm
Sunday June 15 - 12:30, 2:00, 4:30pm Running time: 50 minutes

Thanks!

K.

2008-06-13T16:17:00.000-04:00

The New Catbook Air (um...and the Catbook Not-So-Air) /

So. Yes. It's true. I took my credit card out of the freezer and bought my favorite computer of all time. I am madly in love with it (not in a creepy way. Well, maybe a little.) I know that not everyone is a big fan of the Air (MacBook, not Jordan) but it is WONDERFUL. I love it. It is perfect for me, because I write out of the house a lot and it is as light as...well, you can probably guess the rest.

Anyhoooo...the cats appear to like the velvety box it came in more than the computer itself (thank god. The last thing I need is an eighteen-pound cat sitting on a three-pound laptop. That wouldn't be a fair fight.)

So I thought I'd share these pics and confirm my status as a crazy cat lady...

K.

2008-06-11T23:43:00.000-04:00

An Update! /

Just a businessy one this time, I'm afraid...

For anyone in or around Toronto:

The Luminato Sound Plays (at the Young Centre for the Performing Arts in the Distillery District)
Newly commissioned original scripts on the themes of journeys from some of Toronto's most exciting young playwrights (playwrights Kate Hewlett, Daniel Karasik and Brendan Gall) to be directed by emerging directors (Michael Murphy, Brendan Healey and Ravi Jain) and to be read by actors as radio plays and performed in three formats -with live sound design with a live foley artist (Brooke Graeff ) and with live musical accompaniment by Adam Sherkin on piano.

Go to luminato.com for details.

If you can make it, I'd love to see you there! Two of my talented friends (Shira Leuchter and Scott Clarkson) are in the cast.

Thanks,

K.

2008-05-21T22:19:00.001-04:00

Humans Anonymous in La La Land! /

For any of you who live in or near the Los Angeles area, here is the info on a reading of my play, Humans Anonymous, that is happening tomorrow night:

"Hey Friends and Theatre Folks! I am directing an awesome play reading of a piece I saw in NYC - I am hoping to produce this amazing, funny and heartfelt piece in 2009. If you can come, that would ROCK MY SOUL - Tomorrow night, see:

HUMANS ANONYMOUS
BY KATE HEWLETT

A reading with Tom Markley, Michael Matthys, Rochelle Rose, Marja-Lewis Ryan, Philip de Souza and Jennifer Weaver

8pm, Thursday May 22nd
FREE READING
@ Son of Semele Theatre
3301 Beverly Blvd.
Los Angeles, California 90004

Thanks,
Reena Dutt"

It would be great if some of you could be there -- I can't, so I'd love to hear how it goes!

K.

2008-04-29T19:12:00.003-04:00

The Swearing Jar/

Well, it's been...oh...two and a half months since my last post. My time away from you lovely people has included:

ahem

A visit to Vancouver, my brother officially becoming OLD, a bad haircut, a new pair of pants (they're not easy to come by), trying to embrace singledom and failing miserably, copious amounts of sushi, meeting and working with the lovely and talented Jewel Staite and Robert Picardo, driving a golf cart for the first time (NOT over Joseph Mallozzi, despite rumours to the contrary!), a bladder infection (no, no, not ME -- my cat. It was expensive. I'm considering euthanasia...not really), exploring my new neighbourhood, a successful cleanse/ detox/ de-chocolafication, writing a brand new short film script called "By Any Other Name", a growing addiction to Dancing With the Stars, attending a dance recital that my twin four-year-old nieces were in (cutest thing I've ever seen), a horrifying audition in front of Ben Elton (who was hilarious and kind, but whose ears may never recover from my glass-shattering high E), a new short play I wrote for UnSpun Theatre's fundraiser, a pair of busted kneecaps (from running, not from an encounter with the mob), a book launch for Jacob McArthur Mooney's first book of poems, an absolute obsession with the new MacBook Air (it's so tiny. I want to eat in in a sandwich), neglecting to pay my student loans, neglecting to do my taxes (I'm working on it), getting a spot in the Toronto Fringe Festival (yaaaaaaay), casting said Fringe show, discovering my new favorite brunch restaurant (Insomnia on Bloor Street), falling even more in love with Amy Adams, discovering Luke Doucet two years after everyone else did, getting a joe job that I actually LIKE...and...last but not least...buying a cool new raincoat.

Phewf.

Now that THAT'S out of the way...

Here is a little blurb about the play I am currently writing for the Toronto Fringe Festival. I hope you will all come out and see it!

THE SWEARING JAR

by Kate Hewlett

directed by Geoffrey Pounsett

starring: Deborah Grover, Andrew Pifko, Janet Porter and Christopher Stanton

"You are the love of my life, you asshole.”

Simon and Carey are the perfect couple. But when Carey performs at Simon’s fortieth birthday celebration, she is forced to come to terms with the greatest lie her husband ever told. From the writer of Humans Anonymous and the director of A Quiet Place comes a bittersweet comedy about marriage, music, migraines…and swearing.

Acclaim for 6AM Tango’s last show:

"Five stars! Great pacing, engaging comic performances and a generous sprinkling of laugh-out-loud lines…” – Eye Weekly
“Best of the Fringe”, “Best Ensemble” – NOW Magazine
“Sharp, funny and heartbreaking” – Online review
“Critics’ Pick” – Backstage Magazine, New York City

More info to come...

K.
p.s. The fantabulous jar drawing is by Peter Mooney, the multitalented actor/artist/demo-reel-maker/screenwriter/dvd stealer/old dog adopter.

2008-02-15T17:03:00.001-05:00

All Done! /

So...The Last New Year is done. Well, for me it is. For the director, much of the work has just begun, but for me...vacation time! I really, really, really, really, really want to go somewhere hot and sunny and write my face off (not literally. Faces are important.) Unfortunately, I am broke (yet again) and I don't really tan anyway (scottish/irish/english heritage) and I probably wouldn't get any work done if I DID go, because I'd just drink seventeen pina coladas a day, sleep it off, then go back for more. So I'm thinking of doing a vacation-at-home type of deal. You know, booking a massage, exercising (remember exercise?), eating chocolate, taking myself out for dinner, seeing movies, getting a haircut, buying a lint roller, taking long baths with bottles of beer/wine (not mixed together), getting my eyebrows waxed (not off. Just thinned. I'm going to have to buy mine collars if I don't do something about them soon), write a musical, write a short film, hang out with my friends (some of them NEW friends -- I love clicking with new cool people. eg. Mayko from the movie), going for brunches, giving up Red Bull, buying some new boots, spending quality time with Rufus and Martha (my cats -- not my eyebrows) and catching up on some family/friend/business emails.
Sounds fun, huh? (And significantly less expensive than going to Puerto Plata. Depending on which boots I buy.)
I have a big musical theatre audition on Sunday which is FREAKING ME OUT because I haven't sung Andrew Lloyd Webber-esque songs in a LOOOONNNNNG TIIIIIIMMMMME. My only goal is to get through it without crying, coughing up a hairball or shattering any windows.
After that, a big Stratford audition to prep for.
Then...the non-vacationy vacation begins...
K.

2008-02-11T11:40:00.000-05:00

Day 13 /

I got the giggles while eating breakfast this morning (an All Bran bar -- surprisingly delicious) because I realized that I blogged about sitting on the camera and then never posted again! You probably all think that I've been in bum surgery ever since. Not so. I just got busy. (Not like "got busy". Just like "became busy". I don't want to start any false rumors here.)

So, we have three days left on The Last New Year and then we are FINITO. Phil finished on Friday and left for some sun-soaked adventure (jerk), but the rest of us are still going strong. Today, I get to have a big argument with Mayko (not in real life -- she's waaaay too nice for that), see Andrew shirtless, play with an ice pick and hopefully not sit on any expensive camera equipment.

These twelve to thirteen hour days are killin' me! (And making me drop my g's, apparently.) But it sure has been (and continues to be) a wonderful adventure.

p.s. Mike, if you're reading this: GET BACK TO WORK, LAZYPANTS!

2008-02-04T19:16:00.000-05:00

Day Eight /

Today, I sat on the camera.

It was an accident.

I also broke my zipper, got the giggles, needed seven tries to get a match lit, had a crying scene, and patted a partially naked lady on the shoulder.

That's all you get.

K.

2008-01-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

DAMN IT. I MISSED DAY 4 /

So here's the thing. Usually, in my limited experience, film and TV work involves a lot of sitting around, eating triple chocolate donuts, drinking seventeen cups of coffee, trying not to fall asleep on those cozy trailer sofas so I won't mess up my hair, going back for more donuts, chatting with handsome tanned men and fake-breasted women, avoiding trips to the bathroom JUST IN CASE the sound guy forgot to turn off my microphone, etc. etc...

Not so with The Last New Year! THERE IS NO SITTING AROUND. There is very little waiting. There is not a lot of down time. (I still manage to be consuming my fair share of chocolate treats, though. Let face it: there's always time for sugar. And partially hydrogenated oils.) This is making the experience a fantastic and challenging one, but it is making the blogging difficult! Today is a lighter day for me, so I should be able to put together a proper post. So far today, I've only eaten M&Ms and Advil, so forgive me if I sound high. Or wired. Or both.

Anyway...yesterday (Day 4) was a phenomenal day. Before I go into that, let me first explain the premise of the film: It tells the story of a group of twenty-somethings that get together every year for a New Year's Eve party. But this year, one of them has gone missing. So it's a very interesting movie to shoot, because it all takes place in one night, at one party, in one location (which fortunately comes well-stocked with triple chocolatey goodness.) Yesterday, we shot all the dinner scenes. We sat on the floor all day (on cushions, thank god) and drank "schnapps" (water) and "wine" (apple juice). We got to improvise like crazy, which was loads of fun. I have never had the opportunity to improvise on camera before, and it was a blast. We all laughed and talked and made up new dialogue, but also managed to find our way back to the script whenever necessary. My character is bossy and uptight (I can't think WHY they cast ME) so I got to tell everyone what to do. Fun times.

So day 4 involved some more great work with a stellar cast and director -- they really are amazing -- and the discovery that when I hit thirty, I stopped being able to sit on the floor for long periods of time. I've got the knees and hips of a grandmother.

Day 5 /

Now on to TODAY. It is 1:30pm. So far, I have been on set for three hours and it feels like three minutes. (It's funny how on set, time either flies or crawls, depending on how many scenes you are in.) I shot a scene this morning with Phil (my buddy from Humans Anonymous and the P in PHARK) which went okay, I think. We were both sort of struggling with what the scene was about, but with the help of Garfield (the director extraordinaire) we figured it out.

time time time

la la la

Okay. Now it's 6:45pm! Where does the time go? We did a whole bunch of dancing scenes earlier this afternoon (without music!) and fortunately, I got to be the wallflower. No dancing for me. This evening things might change. Ohhh dear. Is the world ready for me dancing on film? No. No it isn't.

Gotta go!

Hope these updates are somewhat interesting...

K.

2008-01-28T22:35:00.000-05:00

Day 3 /

Today was good but LONNNNNNG. (Yes, with six Ns.) It was the first day of shooting for the lovely actor/co-writer Casey Austin and she did a bang-up job. (And apparently I have turned into a 70-year-old, pipe-smoking British man, because who the hell else says "bang-up"? Ohhhh dear.) She (Casey) looks just like a young Susan Sarandon -- it's uncanny!

What else to report...

Mayko did a shooter (of water, but still) without using her hands. That's an image I'll never forget.

For now, that's all I can leave you with. I need to sleep. Twelve-hour days are brutal! Who knew?

Soon,

K.

2008-01-27T21:54:00.000-05:00

Day 2 /

Wowsers. There wasn't even time to BREATHE today, let alone blog. (And I'm already having difficulty breathing, since I'm wearing a corset for half of the film!)

To summarize: lots of laughter, too many gummie bears, not enough water, a little bit of partial nudity (ohhh dear), some crazy costumes, a tickle trunk, characters masks, fake beer and a whole lot of whispering.

Curious yet??

I promise a more detailed update tomorrow!

For those of you who were at Pegasus 3 this weekend -- how did it go?? Hope it was a blast...

K.

2008-01-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

...and some cast photos! (James Murray, Casey Austin, Mike McPhaden, Margaret Evans)

2008-01-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

Day One of Shooting /

Well...we started shooting The Last New Year this morning and I was thrilled to discover that the wireless internet at the loft was hooked up! So I'm blogging. Bloggy blog blog. Maybe I'll even try and write DAILY for a change.

Mayko Nguyen has joined the cast! She is a stunning, funny, wonderful actress who also worked on 11 Cameras (the series that I did in 2006) but we never had any scenes together, so I'm excited to actually act with her this time around. To add to my last post, the remaining cast members (the Neocitran finally wore off and I asked their names) are: Casey Austin, Aaron Webber and James Murray. All fantastic. We rehearsed all day Thursday and laughed our asses off. (Sorry for swearing just then. I meant that we laughed our...um...donkeys off.)

Phil (my ex-roommate and long-time friend, who also acted in Humans Anonymous, both in New York and in Toronto) is shooting a scene upstairs so I am trying to type quietly! It's amazing how difficult that is! Mike (also a long-time friend and also in the movie playing my husband) is taking a picture of me RIGHT NOW to add to this post. He is using his new MacBook Pro. Bastard. I was supposed to get one first. Oh well. My little old iBook G4 will have to do for now.

More updates later!

K.

2008-01-14T23:54:00.000-05:00

The First Day of The Last New Year /

Well, DON'T WAKE ME closed last night on a high note: a great audience and one of our best performances. Yaaaahoo! What a phenomenal experience. Acting is fun. (Sometimes I forget that. You know, like when I'm eating Alphaghetti for dinner every night and living off my Visa. Is that how you spell Alphaghetti? Alphagetti? Alfa...forget it. It doesn't matter. The point is, I like being an actor today.) Chris Stanton and John Cleland kicked some serious acting butt in the show and Chris Hanratty is a director extraordinaire! Can't wait to work with them all again some day soon (I hope). It was also a truly remarkable experience writing a play with four other people. Such a great challenge.

But! No rest for the wicked, so...

I began rehearsals today for The Last New Year -- a feature film that I am acting in with my lovely and talented friends Philip Graeme, Andrew Hachey, Margaret Evans, Mike McPhaden and a bunch of other fantastic actors (Casey, James, Aaron, etc.) whose last names I don't know yet because I took a Neocitran before the readthrough and was too spaced out to do basic things like...oh...introduce myself to the cast. One of the actors is in that new show The Tudors! Kris Holden-Reid is his name and he is very talented. And nice. I love it when that happens. So rare. Wow. Now I'm just staring at my computer screen, thinking how odd computers are and how far they've come since the days of the Commodore 64 and the Ghostbusters video game. I think I'm still high. Neocitran should be outlawed. Or free and available at Starbucks. I can't decide.

We (me and the cast -- not me and the Neocitran) rehearse all this week, then begin shooting on the 20th of January. And guess where the film is being shot...

...keep guessing...

...and guessing...

...Neocitran is awesome...

...and lemony...

...ellipses are funny-looking...

...IT'S BEING SHOT AT THE LOFT! YES, THE LOFT! OF LOFT-IN-TRANSLATION FAME! How weird is that?! And three of the actors in it were members of the original "PHARK" if you remember that far back. P for Phil; A for Andrew; and K for...um...me. Garfield Lindsay Miller (who moved into my room when I moved out) is directing the movie, as well as being a co-writer.

Okay. That's all for now. Going to bed now, where I will probably dream about talking lemons and animated kettles or something equally terrifying and drug-induced.

I should sell this stuff on the black market. I'll call it Neoine. Or Citral Meth. Or Neojuana.

Wow. Goodnight.

K.

2008-01-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

The Ghost of Bloggers Past /

(Ideally, whatever word I used there would have rhymed with "Christmas", but it's 8am and my brain hasn't started functioning yet. Guh. See?)

Well hello. Remember me? I'm Kate. I used to have a blog. I used to post things on it. Sometimes even pictures. Mostly of cats or my dumb brother. (I'm just angry with him because he stayed out West this Christmas and avoided the Hewlett Plague which hit me, my sister, my nephew, my nieces, my other sister, my dad, my step-mom, etc. etc. It was BRUTAL. No Christmas dinner for us, because we got some kind of evil 28-Days-Later-esque virus that knocked us down like dominoes. Or bowling pins. Whichever simile you prefer.)

So yes. Hello. Welcome back. (You, not me. Assuming you haven't been here for a while since there's been NOTHING TO READ.) I won't even try to fill you in on the last two months, because there is so much to report, but--

Oh what the heck. I'll do my best:

New York was DELICIOUS. (Like delightful. Like I enjoyed it. I didn't lick the ground or anything. Ew.) What a truly phenomenal city: the people, the buildings, the food, the green space, the theatre. Even the cockroaches were impressive. Gross, but almost worthy of respect due to their size. I swear I even saw little muscles on one of them. New York cockroaches clearly think that physical fitness is no laughing matter. The rats were quite impressive too. I wonder if the cockroaches ever use the rats as transportation. You know, like little hairy horses.

Okay. Foooooocus, Kate. Foooooocuuuuuus.

Yes. New York was wonderful. The play ("Humans Anonymous") was well-received and I made some new friends who I will cherish (long-distance, unfortunately) for a long time to come. After New York, I came back to Toronto to begin rehearsals for DON'T WAKE ME, the "killer" new work by UnSpun Theatre which I co-wrote with Chris Hanratty, Christopher Stanton, Mike McPhaden and Brendan Gall (yes, THAT Brendan Gall -- unless you're thinking of the one who got his life sucked out by a Wraith. Not THAT Brendan Gall. The one who plays Kaleb on SGA.) I tried to find a short-term lease here in Toronto but the shortest I could find was six months. For a commitmentphobe like myself, that is a LONG TIME, but it's a great apartment in a vibrant, fun neighbourhood and I'm having a blast so far. I have some silverfish issues (silverfissues?) but I think I've made peace with them and we are living in harmony now. Until Martha (cat number two) eats them. That throws the balance off somewhat.

FOCUS.

The show (DON'T WAKE ME) opened last night to a much larger house than we expected, so that was exciting. It is part of a brand new festival here in Toronto called the "Next Stage Theatre Festival", which showcases eight plays that began at other festivals (eg. SummerWorks, Toronto Fringe, etc.). It kicked off last night and goes until January 13th at the Factory Theatre. Come and see DON'T WAKE ME -- I am so proud of this brand new version. UnSpun Theatre is a great company and this is a really fun, strange, dark, fast-paced show. The cast includes Chris Stanton (amazing), John Cleland (remarkable) and me (commitmentphobe).

If you're interested, all the info can be found here:

http://www.nextstagefestival.com

Hope everyone reading this (and everyone not reading this) is well and happy. There is much more to report but I need a coffee. From Jet Fuel. And I'm not living in Cabbagetown anymore, so it's going to take some time getting there.

K.

2007-11-06T10:56:00.000-05:00

Tuesdays and Wednesdays ROCK /

Hi everybody! I have been out of commission lately because things have been so crazy busy here in New York. I haven't even bought boots yet. And let me tell you...I need boots.

So here's the thing:

The show is going really well -- the audiences have been very responsive and the play has been well attended so far.

BUT! Tonight (Tuesday) and tomorrow night (Wednesday) are looking a little...um...lean, as far as ticket sales go.

If you live in/near New York and plan on seeing the play anyway...COME TONIGHT! OR TOMORROW NIGHT! You will have lots of prime seating to choose from.

If you have already seen the show and you enjoyed it, help spread the word and send everyone you know!

If you have already seen the show and you didn't enjoy it, send everyone you hate! Those jerks deserve it!

Please help support this production of Humans Anonymous at Theater 54 in New York City.

"...a generous sprinkling of laugh out loud lines..."

"A deeper, smarter, indie Friends."

"Best of the Fringe, 2006."

I promise to return to blogland soon...

...just as soon as I get some sleep. And some boots. Not necessarily in that order.

K.
p.s. You can buy tickets at theatermania.com.

2007-09-20T19:45:00.000-04:00

Might As Well Face it, I'm Addicted to Blog /

Stupidest. Title. Ever.

But I am suddenly posting a LOT, no?

TICKETS FOR HUMANS ANONYMOUS ARE NOW ON SALE AT:

theatermania.com

So GET YOURS (if you want to. I don't mean to put pressure on you. I'm just SO EXCITED. So BUY TICKETS! And be careful about drinking too much COFFEE. It makes you WIRED. WHEWWWWWWW!)

ahem

Also, the actor's name is Jennifer Laine Williams. Not Jennifer Williams. Just so's you know's.

K.

2007-09-20T17:32:00.000-04:00

A Quickie (not like that...) /

For those of you who are interested in buying tickets to the special Stargate performance of Humans Anonymous (or any performance, for that matter) they should be available at theatermania.com VERY soon. Not yet, but SOON. Some time over the next couple of days, hopefully!

Also, the final actor in the play is named Jennifer Williams. I thought it was important to share that with you. And no, she is not related to Venus. Or John. Or Tennessee.

K.
p.s. I sort of like the Christmassy feel to the red and green combo. I may be a colour convert after all...

2007-09-17T19:03:00.000-04:00

YAAAAAAAAAY, APPLES (ESPECIALLY THE BIG ONE...) /

First of all, to the two and a half people who still actually check my blog to see if I've updated:

HI! SORRY. I'VE BEEN WRITING A NEW DRAFT OF HUMANS ANONYMOUS, SO I'VE BEEN NEGLECTING MY BLOGGERLY DUTIES.

To the rest of you, who probably won't read this until April 2008:

HI. HAPPY NEW YEAR! WHO WINS BEST PICTURE AT NEXT YEAR'S OSCARS? HOPEFULLY "PARIS, JE T'AIME" OR "ONCE". OR "28 WEEKS LATER."

(I've been watching rather a lot of Heroes in my spare time so I've got time travel on the brain. Hiro and the cheerleader are my favorites, by the way. And Mama Petrelli. So good. They're all good, though. I love that show.)

But here is why I am actually posting:

From November 1 - November 18 of this year (still 2007) my play Humans Anonymous (a brand new version) will be produced at Theatre 54 in New York City by the Bridge Theatre Company! Cool! The cast includes: Philip Graeme (my dear friend and a previous member of PHARK), Esther Barlow (gorgeous and talented), Dustin Olson (gorgeous, talented, not related to the twins), Me (not related to the twins either) and a girl named Jenn whose last name I don't know yet but she's AWESOME. Rufus will be there in spirit but not in furry actuality, playing the role of Charlie the cat. (He didn't die or anything. He just isn't allowed to go to New York with me. Neither is Martha. Too noisy and destructive.) I would love it if you could spread the word. If you live in/near New York COME AND SEE IT! Heck, if you live in/near New Zealand COME AND SEE IT!

But that's not all...

None of this is official yet (sshhhhhh) but Creation Entertainment and I are planning a special performance of the play (followed by a Q&A with the cast and...uh...playwright) for Stargate fans, particularly those attending the Secaucus Con! It will be on Sunday, November 4th at 8pm, so book your tickets for that special performance online. The theatre only seats sixty so it will sell out fast!

The website is:

theatermania.com

(Wow. It feels weird to spell "theater" the American way, but that's their web address, so I can't Canadianize it.)

Tickets won't go on sale until Thursday or Friday of this week. (Why is this writing still showing up red? Oh man, why won't my computer let me go back to a normal colour? Red is so over-the-top. Oh well. I'm going to embrace the red. Hello red. Welcome to my formerly black-green-and-white blog.)

I'm not drunk, by the way. Just tired.

SO! November 1 - 18 at Theatre 54 in The Big Apple! Come and see the first professional production of my first ever FULL LENGTH PLAY...

K.

2007-08-28T18:19:00.000-04:00

Hey! Guess What?! /

Martin Gero has been nominated for a Gemini Award for McKay and Mrs. Miller! So cool!

(I know that I've been a naughty, out-of-commission blogger lately. I apologize. Things are busy busy busy right now, but I'll be back soon...)

Hope you are all well and happy...

K.

2007-07-25T13:17:00.000-04:00

Oops /

I don't think there is actually a screening of A Dog's Breakfast this weekend (unless David told you there was). I think I may have made that up. Sometimes I get confused. I blame martinis.

Here is the loop:

0

Here is me:

k

(Notice that I'm outside of the loop.)

K!

2007-07-24T01:19:00.000-04:00

I'm Officially a Twit /

Ohhhh dear. I have just discovered Twitter. It's perfect: low commitment, low stress, high fun, an absolute time-waster. JUST what my new Vancouver life needed. How ever will I fit it into my busy schedule?
Hmmmm. Let's have a look:

8a.m. Think about waking up. Listen to alarm for thirty guilt-ridden seconds before turning it off and going back to sleep.
10a.m. Wake up again because cats are angry and have started knocking things made of glass off random counter tops.
10:30a.m. Go for "long" walk, get distracted by coffee shop, drink coffee, cut walk short.
11a.m.-8:30p.m. Procrastinate, eat, check email every thirty seven seconds to see if anything exciting has happened. It hasn't. Reload page several times to make sure I'm not missing anything. I'm not.
8:30p.m. Wonder why Canadian Idol can't be on EVERY night.
8:31p.m. Feel guilty about watching reality television -- or thinking about watching reality television -- when it represents the downfall of my profession.
8:32pm Eat unnecessary snack involving salt.
9p.m. Think about writing, decide against it, surf the internet, e-stalk people, check email, drink water (because of the salt -- it's a vicious cycle), eventually go to bed.

How EVER will I find the time for Twitter?

The way I discovered it is a bit embarrassing: I was googling MY OWN BROTHER to find out about A Dog's Breakfast this weekend at Comicon. (ComiCon? Where do the capitals go?) and I found his Twitter page. I'm not totally sure what it is, but I've joined. Whenever I see a little box that says "Join" next to it, I just have to. (It's like when someone offers you a drink you've never heard of: just blindly accept. Would I like a "bellini"? Yes please. A "mojito"? Why the heck not.) I would give my right arm (that's not true) to go to ComiCon/comicon/CoMiCoN for the screening, especially since VERONICA FRICKIN' MARS is going to be there. I don't think it's going to happen, but I'm working on it...

...which leads me to my next topic for all you Stargoids (I've run out of names for you. That one sounds a bit like a disease.) Here is my question: I would love to go to some conventions over the summer/fall, but I don't know how to go about doing that. I didn't write that in the form of a question. Damn it. I'll try again: How do I shamelessly get myself invited to another convention? (Or is it like birthday parties in gr. 6, where there's just no hope unless I stop carrying all my belongings in Biway bags and listening to Heart.) I LOVE to travel. I LOVE to meet new people. I had a total blast in London (and in Burbank, even though I was only a pseudo-guest.) And I finally have a roommate who can catsit for me. (Martha likes him better than me. It's because he pretends to punch her. Who knew that cartoon punching noises would win her little furry heart?)

So that's it. I guess I'll go to bed now (or check my email or update my twitter page or eat salt straight from the shaker.)

'Night!

K.

2007-07-13T19:38:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: KRAMP
(but hopefully not cramps)/

Well, I haven't posted since the end of May...and here we are on July the 13th. Friiiiiiiiiday the thiiiiiiirteeeeeenth. Oooooooooh. Woooooooo. Wheeeeeeee. Waaaaaaaaa.

Wow.

Sorry.

I have so much news that it has stopped me from blogging. It's kind of similar to my telephonophobia. (I just made up that word.) You know when you don't talk to someone for six months and then they call you and you see their name on your phone and you panic and you don't answer it because if you do answer it you'll have to talk for six full hours in order to share all the information you've missed out on, and even though you really really like them and maybe even think they're a little bit awesome and possibly even hot, you still don't answer it because six hours is a big commitment, especially considering the fact that you're afraid of commitment and can't even stay in one city for longer than four years? THAT'S how I feel. Know what I mean? Guys? Hello? Maybe I should go back to making random noises.

Gaaaaaa. Bleeeeeee. Wazawaaaaaappppaaaa. Friiiiiiiday the thiiiiiiirteeeeeenth. Spooooookyyyyyyy.

So here's a summary of what's been happening, so I can avoid writing the longest post of all time:

-I did another episode of Stargate, with more action (like action action, not like hot sex action) than the first one and with a fantastic cast that could, possibly, potentially include someone who was on DESPERATE FRICKIN' HOUSEWIVES, my third favorite show ever (after Battlestar Galactica and Veronica Mars, or Veronica Mars and Battlestar Galactica, depending on when you ask me and on how much I've had to drink.)
-I moved to glorious Vancouver! I'm here! I live here now (sort of. Until October at least.) I am so committed to being here that I bought a bathing suit to wear on the beach. Now THAT'S commitment. The bathing suit is about as revealing as a baggy wet suit, but it makes me happy.
-I found out that Humans Anonymous is definitely going to be produced in New York in November, so start making travel plans now if you want to see it! I'm giving you hyper-advanced notice. It looks like I will be acting in it too, unless I am just too poor to hack living in New York as a penniless actor for six weeks.
-I developed an impressive addiction to dirty martinis, which I believe are martinis with extra olive brine in them, but which my friend claims are martinis with a dash of whiskey in them. Thoughts? Opinions? (I know I'm right, but I always like to have proof.)
-I have a new living situation, which I will call KRAMP. That's almost as good as PHARK, I'd say. My new roommate (P) and I are having a blast living in Kitsilano. It is beautiful and beachy and mountain-y and for some reason there are Smartcars and tiny dogs everywhere. The cats are in heaven. (Not dead -- just really happy here.) Rufus has definitely lost a little weight and Martha has escaped twice into the outside world (and then shot right back in because she is afraid of birds. And plants, it would seem.)

Okay. That's all I can think of for now.

KRAMPily,

Kate

2007-05-31T08:20:00.000-04:00

The Swearing Jar /

If you are in Toronto (or desperate to get away from wherever else you live), please come out and see my talented Unspun friends in my newest play, The Swearing Jar, from June 7-9 and 13-16. It is a fifteen minute version of the play I am writing with the Tarragon Playwrights' Unit, and there are a ton of other great acts to watch. It also marks my directing debut! I get to be unapologetically bossy! I love it!

Here is the press release if you're interested:

"LUCKY 13TH FOR CABBAGETOWN’S SLAW FESTIVAL!

The Cabbagetown Theatre Company (CTC) presents The 2007 "Lucky 13th" Slaw Festival, featuring 6 short, fresh and funny original works, a Slam Poet and a Jazz Artist! The Slaw runs at the Cabbagetown Community Arts Centre, 454 Parliament Street just south of Carlton, from June 7 – 9 and June 13 - 16, 2007. Showtime is 8 p.m., and tickets are $15 with $10 SPECIALS ON JUNE 7 AND LUCKY JUNE 13. Call (416) 921-3406 to reserve.

Slam Poetry artist Arianna Pozzuoli, who most recently represented Toronto at the International World Poetry Slam, starts off the Slaw this year, followed by "Chew On This", directed by MC Thompson. Actors Michelle Cote, Chris Irving and Dave Lapsley are three caged mammals with three typewriters trying to come up with the "next big thing".

After last year's Fringe hit "Humans Anonymous", playwright Kate Hewlett is back with a heartbreaking new comedy about love, loss...and swearing. "The Swearing Jar" features Unspun Theatre members Chris Hanratty, Christopher Stanton and Shira Leuchter and is directed by Kate Hewlett. Chris Hanratty and Chris Stanton co-wrote the 2006 Fringe hit "Minotaur", which was directed by Stanton and performed by Hanratty.

The Slaw Festival is also extremely fortunate to feature the vocal talents of Toronto jazz artist Shannon Butcher (www.swingrosie.com/www.shannonbutcher.com).

Bell directs Allison McWood's quirky "Bentley Burnout", which features CTC veterans Stephen Flett, Rob Candy, Blake Thorne and Lynn Zeelenberg, plus new addition Zahir Gilani. Allison McWood penned the Fringe 2006 hits "It Was Kit" and "Welcome To Eden: Population Two".

The prolific Brent Barkley brings another world premiere to our Slaw stage. After the success of "The Vodka Talking" and "Flat Busted" (both in the 2006 Fringe), Barkley has written "The Rub", directed by Blake Thorne and featuring the talents of Chris Irving and Michael Posthumus.

Anne Harper directs William McGill's "Incompetent In Love". When a man looking for self-help (Liam Doherty) enters into conversation with a bookstore attendant (Nancy Bradshaw), a new chapter opens up for both of them.

The absurdly-amusing "Less Is More Misérables" by R.J. Fenton closes the 2007 Slaw. Directed by CTC's Kim Sprenger, it features the laugh-out-loud comedic talents of Elisabeth Feltaous and Brian Ablett."

Hope to see you there. I'll be there (probably after a couple of calming glasses of wine. I'm not actually in the play, so I'm allowed to do that now. Directing is AWESOME.)

K.

2007-05-21T03:46:00.000-04:00

P.S./

Oh, don't even get me STARTED on Coke Zero. It's from the gods. My teeth are disintegrating because I'm a grinder -- (think sleeping, not dancing) -- and a dentist told me NEVER to drink Coke products because it would only speed up the process. I can't help it, though. Coke Zero is like actual Coke without the actual Coke sugar. It doesn't taste like Diet Coke Chemical Waste -- it tastes like proper Coke. That, my friends...is a scientific miracle.

Goodnight. (It's 3:51 am. When am I going to turn into an adult and get home at a reasonable hour?)

Also...I'm currently beating Madonna in blogland, thanks to you(s). I'm going to have lovely dreams tonight, possibly involving pointy metallic bras.

K.

2007-05-20T13:27:00.000-04:00

Masochism, Madonna and Diet Root Beer/

So now that I've discovered mini-posts, I am a much happier, much less productive person. If given the choice between writing...oh...I don't know...a PLAY, or writing a little itsy bitsy new post (a postlet, if you will) I can't help but choose the postlet.

Today's post is about nothing; however, I can't admit that, so let's just say that it's about root beer. Root beer is disgusting. It always seems to be flat, no matter how recently it was opened. It generally has a picture of some creepy and unidentifiable animal on the front; it looks misleadingly similar to Coke, which makes for a lot of nasty surprises at children's birthday parties; you can't mix it with alcohol (well you could, but it would be a waste of good alcohol); it often doesn't have caffeine in it, so it offers little to no mood-altering benefits...and it tastes like soap. So why, ladies and gentleman...why am I addicted to DIET ROOT BEER? This is a mystery to me. Asspartame (I spelled it like that on purpose) is terrifying and is bound to contribute to the extinction of the human race. It also tastes like a cleaning product, so why when it is used to make the diet version of the only pop I don't like (excluding Dr. Pepper, which is an eternal mystery to me)...do I spend ten dollars a week on the stuff? Somehow, something about it just works. (Kind of like ketchup rice cakes. WHOLE other post(let).)

Now, onto other forms of masochism...

I just went to the gym and did a class called "Boot Camp". It didn't feel anything like camp, and not one person was wearing anything resembling boots. My legs hurt. My face looks like a swollen beet. I'm bruised. And beaten down. AND I FEEL FANTASTIC. WOW. I'm gonna do that again tomorrow. Loved every miserable minute of it.

Also...keep voting for David for Best Geek Blog! And I have to just be shameless here for a second and say that if I get three more votes for best celebrity blog, I will be ahead of Madonna. Yes, THE Madonna. (Not the holy one -- the other one.) I know it won't last, but it would be pretty cool to beat Madonna at something. She's MADONNA, for god's sake.

Okay bye. I'm going to ice my glutes now.

K.

2007-05-18T11:15:00.001-04:00

Does this man look like a geek to you?/

Personally, I'd say 'yes'. I'd say it loud and clear. I'd yell it off a mountain top (since I'm moving to Vancouver soon). I'd put it in print. I'd even tell the world by voting for my own brother as the best geek blogger.

There is a link over there------------------->

If you want to "show your support" (which actually means "insult my brother to bring me great joy") vote for David's blog as the best geek blog! Hey, he might as well get something positive out of his eternal geekiness, right?

(Wait a second...he's a lead on a hit TV series; he's marrying a hot British lady; he has a famous dog; his first movie got picked up by MGM. Oh forget it...he's doing just fine. Vote for boingboing instead.)

K.

2007-05-16T09:52:00.000-04:00

A New, Improved, Better, Bigger (Hey! I found the 'make things huge' button!), Smarter, Bloggier, More Focused, Cooler, Devoteder, Badder Grammarer, More Commiteder Blogger/

I have decided to blog more often. (Can I use the word 'blog' like that? It's a verb as well, right? Like 'facebook'. I'm gonna 'facebook' you. I 'facebook'. You 'facebook'. We 'facebook'. He 'facebooks'. She 'facebooks'. They are 'facebooking'. I'll 'facebook' you later, hotstuff. Right? Guys? Can I get another coffee over here? Thanks.)

~

(I just had a soy latte.)

Yes. So. I have made several important and life-altering realisations about blogging which have inspired me to write more often. Here they are, in no particular order:

1) Blog entries can be short.
2)

(Wait...if they are in no particular order, why am I numbering them like that? I'll try that again.)

-ahem-

My Realisations, in no particular order:

5) Blog entries don't have to be funny. They can be smart, informative, poignant, or have naked pictures in them.

3) Blog entries can be short. That takes away some of the pressure.

23) Blogs don't have to involve cats.

7) I have two cats. They wrestle and eat plastic.

2) Sometimes, you can write a blog entry about nothing at all.

I'm going to take these important lessons to heart and end this post here, with no apology for brevity, catfilledness, humorlessness or lack of substance.*

K.
*Sorry.

2007-05-14T15:43:00.000-04:00

Wow! Thanks!/

Someone commented on my blog and let me know that I have been nominated for a blogger's choice award! I put the link over there ------------------------------------>
because I couldn't figure out how to make it work in the body of this post. I tried three times, which makes it sort of hilarious that I've been nominated for something that even remotely involves technology.

Anyway...thanks so much to whoever decided to nominate Loft in Translation! That's exciting! (My excitement is actually making me use 75% more exclamation marks than I would normally use. That's a temporary condition that I promise will go away before my next post. I mean... "my next post!")

I guess I'd better get my ass in gear and start blogging again, huh? Yeah.

lazily,
k.

2007-05-03T17:37:00.000-04:00

La la la la Vacation/

So...the play (Noble Parasites) closed on Sunday afternoon and I moved into a new, temporary apartment on Monday morning. On Tuesday I nursed a hangover and some aching muscles, on Wednesday I went to my friend Amy's birthday party in the park, and today...I'm drinking coffee and catching up on everything I haven't been doing for the last six weeks (including blogging), other than taxes, which I'm simply not ready to face yet.

First off: thanks so so so much to those of you who came to see the show. I really appreciate it. Thanks also to Dianne, Shelley and the Yahoo gang (that sounds vaguely dirty) for the flowers and wristbands. There were a few shows that had larger audiences, so I'll give credit where credit is due and thank all you Stargatatic Stargatonian Stargations for showing up. To those of you who live in England...I understand why you couldn't be there. Have some fish and chips for me instead. And some British chocolate. Soooooo gooooooooood. Sooooo daaaaaaaaamn goooood. Flaaaaaake bars. Currrrrly Wurrrrrly.

Sorry. I was having a chocolate moment there.

So, I am currently unemployed and happy about it. I do have a week of work coming up in June (hint hint nudge nudge wink wink) but until then, I am enjoying my little writing-filled vacation.

I wish I had something interesting and groundbreaking to talk about. Even just some news would do. News. News news news. Oh! I think I may have brought carpet beetles from my last apartment to my current apartment. AWESOME. Apparently, they live off cat hair, which means that they must be the happiest carpet beetles in Canada, because Rufus sheds like a monkey. (Do monkeys shed a lot? I have no idea why I just said that. I couldn't think of a single animal that sheds. I'm going to order another coffee now and splash it on my face.) Martha doesn't shed much, but she wrestles with Rufus and then drops clumps of his hair everywhere for a few hours afterward. She also has no interest in killing carpet beetles. Rufus plays with the carpet beetles but has no claws so the carpet beetles usually win. I can't kill anything because I am a freak of nature with a healthy dose of Catholic guilt (even though I'm not Catholic) so it is possible that I don't actually have a carpet beetle problem. I may just have one carpet beetle. One carpet beetle who never gets killed and who, quite frankly, is a bit of a show-off.

Other news? Uh...I'm writing a short play for the Slaw Festival in Cabbagetown, which should be fun, and three of my wonderful and talented friends will be acting in it. I'm directing for the first time, which I'm hoping will nicely suit my overwhelming bossiness.

Oh! I have BIG NEWS! I forgot! I'm going to move to Vancouver for three months this summer and see how I like it. If I like it as much as I think I like it, I may move there, although I can't imagine living in a different city from all my friends. New starts are scary, huh? Maybe I'll miss Toronto and realize that this is actually where I want to live. Anyway...the goal for September is a decision of some kind. I'll be living in Kitsilano for the summer with my friend Moose (that's not his real name and he's not actually a Moose) so I'm very excited about that.

I'm late for my 6 o'clock meeting. Aaaaaah! Shoot!

Hope you are all well and happy. I am!

K.

2007-04-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

Be Noble and Get Some Parasites in Your Life/

Hi everyone. This is your long lost blogger here, finally back after being bogged down by the six-day work week (which I secretly love) and opening a show (which went very well).

This will be very, very quick, because I am meeting two fantastic people for breakfast in 26 minutes and I have to make my hair look less like wet fur and more like...wet hair.

Here's the thing: my friends at Unspun Theatre did a show a few months ago which was creative and amazing and fantastic. But it was incredibly disconcerting to find out that there was hardly anyone in the audience. We are having the same problem with Noble Parasites, and when I ask around the theatre community, the general consensus is that tiny audiences are now the norm.

I am concerned that people don't go to the theatre in Toronto any more -- really concerned -- because the arts in this country seem to be in real trouble. If even Lord of the Rings has trouble staying afloat in this city, what does the future hold for the rest of us? I don't know enough about politics to blame anyone in particular (!) but I think it's a really, really sad state of affairs. Being flat broke, I understand that high ticket prices could be one of the factors keeping people away from the theatre. So could bad weather, better TV, no money going into the arts, etc. but I really hope it changes soon. Noble Parasites, on at Theatre Passe Muraille right now, is a mainstage show at a major theatre in the theatre capital of Canada....and we had fifteen people in the audience last night. Eleven the night before. Ten the night before that.

So...I am sending out a plea!! If you're broke like me, come and see Noble Parasites TODAY at 2pm. It's pay-what-you-can (same as next Sunday and the Sunday after that) so you can enjoy a funny, smart show for a price you can handle. If you're not interested in Sci-Fi (even though the play also addresses some very pressing issues in the world today and is FUNNY!), then please go and see SOMETHING ELSE! SOMETHING LIVE! SOMETHING WONDERFUL! There are tons of shows happening in Toronto right now by up-and-coming companies that represent the future of Canadian theatre. Just pick up a NOW or EYE magazine to find out what's on.

I sound like a salesperson...maybe I should look into vaccuum-selling for my next career...hmm...

See you soon, I hope!

K.
p.s. The make-things-huge button seems to be gone. My title looks so lonely and small and green up there.

2007-03-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

Shameless, I know/

This is a very quick post with the sole purpose of telling you about Noble Parasites, the show I will be doing in April at Theatre Passe Muraille in Toronto. "M" is the playwright (and he's incredibly talented) and the cast includes myself, Julian Richings and Amy Rutherford. It's funny, disturbing, dark, intelligent...and sci fi! So if you can, please come and see it.

The play opens on April 10 and runs until the 29th, but there are some previews (from Apr. 5-8) which may be cheaper. They may also be...well...worse, so I'd prefer if you'd come on or after the 10th to see the show when it is really ready for an audience! But if you're only free from April 5 - 8 and then you're going to Alaska for four months or something, see one of the previews.

Please click on the first link over there ------->
(I just love making arrows...wheeee!)
------------------------------------------------->
-------------------->

to check out Theatre Passe Muraille's website. And just as a heads up: the play is not in French. That's just the name of the theatre. It means "Theatre Beyond Walls" but...uh...that's a metaphor because it definitely has walls. Nice brick ones. Ceiling, too. And floors. And a BAR! Yahoooo!

Please buy tickets if you're interested in seeing the show.

Thanks.

(I'm in Vancouver again, by the way -- for absolutely no reason other than I really, really like it here and I have a credit card which makes it dangerously easy to buy plane tickets.)

K.

2007-02-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

Camera Envy and Why I Love Cons/

First of all, for the 3 people out there who AREN'T reading this blog because of Stargate, I just want to clarify that ‘cons’ means ‘conventions’, not ‘convicts’. I do not love convicts, although I am sure there are some very nice ones out there -- maybe even ones who were wrongly convicted or who feel really bad about what they did and wish they hadn’t done it. Even so, I don’t love them. I love conventions.

So…I haven’t posted in a VERY LONG TIME and I thought it would be great to do a little photo journal thingy of the sci-fi convention in London, my trip to Italy, my cats’ excitement at my return, etc. The only problem is...I don’t have a camera.

To hell with it.

I’m doin’ it anyway. So here it is:

A Virtual Photo Journal, by Someone Who Spent All Her Money on an Expensive Haircut Instead of a Camera:

1/ If I had a camera, this would be a photograph of me going through security at the airport. I would no doubt be setting off the alarm, which happens 9 out of 10 times I travel, whether I am wearing a belt or not. Of course, this photograph is illegal, but luckily it’s not a real photograph, so I can get away with it. I could even have me wearing a metal suit in the photograph, with Martha under one arm and Rufus under the other very tired arm, setting off every alarm in the building, and that would still be okay. See? Who needs a camera? THIS PHOTO IS AWESOME.

2/ The next photo would be of the other guests at the con. It would include the delightful Erin Chambers (who was on Veronica Mars, so is kind of like royalty in my books. She is also a lovely, kind person with a beautiful singing voice. And she was on Veronica Mars. Oh! Hey! She was also on Veronica Mars. I love Veronica Mars.) This photo would also include the very handsome Dan Payne, who for some bizarre reason plays a wraith on Stargate, which means that some person out there decided to put uglifying makeup and a wig on Dan Payne. I think this person should be arrested for crimes against hotmanity. Also in this photograph would be the charming Aaron Douglas (from Battlestar Galactica! Holy crap!), the hilarious David Nykl (the only ‘David’ on SGA I get along with), the lovely and talented Chuck Campbell (who should be congratulated on his stamina with cons – again, I mean stamina with conventions, not stamina with convicts...ew...), the intelligent and witty Ryan Robbins, the wild, wacky and inspiring Ivy Isenberg...and some David Hewlitt guy.

I spelled that wrong on purpose. In my first TV gig ever, my name was spelled Kate "Hewlitt" in the credits. So sad.

The photo might also possibly include me staying out until 5am with these people. Twice.

3/ This photo is a real beauty. It is a picture of all the other people I met in London: the costumed wonders, the Jedi Chefs, the “Wicked” Addict (like me), the people I chatted with at the bar, the crazy con dancers, the teddy bear and chocolate and booze and card and Cd and unicorn prism and other gift-givers who went to so much trouble to bring me nice things (although cards are easier to take home on the plane!!), the people who waited in line FOREVER for autographs and photo ops, the brave folks who asked questions at the Q&A (Q&As are still terrifying for me, by the way, unless I’m up there with my brother), my lovely assistant Sandra, all the people who volunteered their time, Bryan Superman Coney, Erin and Chuck and Ryan’s delightful significant others (Carson and Jennifer and Rebecca), etc. etc. etc. This photo would suck if it actually existed, because everyone’s head would be the size of a dust mote. See? No need for a camera when you have imaginaaaaaaation.

4/ This non-existent photo is of my mother’s appendix, which burst while David and Jane and I were in Italy. This is a gross photo. Be glad that I don’t have a camera.

(She is a million times better now, which is why I’m allowed to make appendix jokes.)

My mum is the coolest woman on the planet, by the way. She is beautiful and smart and funny and living in Italy all by herself (thus brave) and a wonderful, sisterlike mum. (Sister as in ‘sister’, not as in ‘nun’. My mother is not a nun.) I miss her. Mum, if you’re reading this…can I borrow some money to buy a camera?

5/ This is a photo of a camera. I want one.

6/ This is a photo of 'M', catsitter extraordinaire, drowning in cat hair while I was away. It WOULD also be a photo of my cats, Rufus and Martha, in which they look incredibly adorable (though 50% obese – I’m not saying which 50%). However, I am not allowed to talk about my cats anymore because my friend Chris (the one who can’t pack – yes, I mean you, Chris) thinks I talk about cats too much in this blog. My other friend Chris thinks that I have toxoplasmosis from cat litter and that it's affecting my brain. I figure that the only way to prove to the Chrises that I do not have toxoplasmosis is to stop reminding them that I have cats. (Cats? What cats?) I'm also going to stop being neurotic, negative and reckless (all signs of toxoplasmosis. I just looked it up on Wikipedia.)

7/ This is a photo of me NOT having toxoplasmosis. Notice how happy and optimistic and restrained I am. And no cats in sight...

Okay. I am done with the fake photos.

To summarize: the convention was so much fun and I hope I can go to lots more (like the one in Germany? Australia?); I met cool actors (some of whom were in Veronica Mars and Battlestar Awesomelactica); I met fantastic fans; I went to Italy and got to know the Lucchese hospital intimately; I came home and saw my cats who I won’t talk about anymore so that my “friends” stop thinking I have “toxoplasmosis”.

Have a happy Sunday, everybody!

K.

2007-02-02T08:32:00.000-05:00

London is Expensive/

Well, I have been dying to post because I am alone in London and I have no one to talk to! Problem: the internet at this hotel costs 5 pounds per hour and that is TOO DAMN MUCH. So I'll try to finish before my hour runs out...

Uh...hi. I'm in London, England for two "A Dog's Breakfast" screenings and my first official sci-fi convention. David has food poisoning, M is at home with Rufus and Martha and my TV only has five channels, all of which are showing British gameshows that I don't quite understand. It is a phenomenal city, but I'm going a little stir crazy. The only thing to do is spend money I don't have on things I don't need, like a 160-pound haircut, for instance. (That makes it sound like I lost 160 pounds of hair, but you know what I mean. Right? Right? Hello?)

Hope everyone reading this is having a nice night. Or day. Or afternoon. Or mid-morning. Jet lag is confusing.

London is amazing! Also....I flew NOT economy for the first time ever and it sort of blew my mind a little bit. Free wine, the movies that I wanted to watch, TV, reclining seats, blankets, food of some sort (tofu?? I think it was supposed to be tofu), good music. BLEW MY MIND.

I'm going to drink wine now.

I'll write soon...

I hope to see some of you this weekend at the sci-fi convention. Please introduce yourself if you read this blog because I'd love to meet you! And also...I want to apologize to the nice woman who asked for my autograph after the 4pm screening. I said "Yeah! I'll meet you outside! Yeah!" and then promptly disappeared into a sea of relatives and broke my promise. Sorry! Hopefully you'll be at the convention this weekend, too.

Goodnight, all!

K.

2007-01-15T00:51:00.000-05:00

Worst Blogger EVER/

Well...I am deeply ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed. Deeply. It's been over a month since I last posted. It's not that I don't feel guilt. It's not that I don't hate myself when I fall asleep at night. It's not that I don't not use too many un-negatives on a not irregular non-basis. It's just that I've been doing a lot of present-buying, traveling, booze-consuming, watching two and a half seasons of the best show on television (Veronica Mars -- holy crap) and giving things up then reincorporating them into my diet then giving them up again. Ah, 2007.

First I apologized for not posting in so long. Now, I'm going to follow up that apology with another apology: this is going to be a very short post. Here are my reasons/excuses: 1) I am in Vancouver right now and I am flying home early tomorrow morning. (Okay, fine, 11AM is not that early, but I've got jet lag. Wait...11 AM in Vancouver means 2PM in Toronto. Excuse #1 officially sucks.) I've been here in the snowed-over version of Vancouver for five days, mainly because there was a Dog's Breakfast photo shoot today and I was required to attend and pose. ("An A Dog's Breakfast Photo shoot?" "A A Dog's Breakfast Photo Shoot"? Nothing looks right. I HATE ARTICLES. And grammar. And pickled ginger, but that's unrelated.) I also got to dogsit and officially bond with my brother David's dog Mars. Cutest dog EVER. Well worth the five hour flight.

2) My second long-winded excuse for a short post is that I have to go online and find someone to take my apartment. Soon. That's right -- my NEW apartment with the DJ neighbour on the West side and the shoot-em-up video game junkie who cheers when he pops someone on the East side. I HAVE to move. I HAVE to break my lease. I HAVE to. There are many people who could handle living where I live: other DJs, other video game addicts, Buddhists, etc. but I may become insane if I don't. Or sane, I guess. That could be cool. Maybe I should stay...

3) My third excuse for a short post is that I can't decide if I have too little to report or too much to report, so I'm not reporting anything at all. I can't decide if I'm overwhelmed by news, or underwhelmed by how little has happened in 30 days.

So instead of posting properly or fixing the rough draft of my new play (my NEW new play), I'm instead going to drink champagne with David and Jane until I fall asleep! Healthy, I know.

But I gave up beer! It's been three weeks. Nice.

Beer-missingly,

Kate

2006-12-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Big Apples and Jumping Buffalos (Buffaloes? Buffali? Buffalae? Buffalini? I need a beer.)/

I'm going to be wild and crazy here and start my post with the second part of the title instead of the first part. Then I'll talk about the first subject second. Wow. I'm not just thinking outside the box -- I'm crushing the box with my mighty fists and then giving it to Martha to shred. (She's half gerbil.)

So...I can not recommend Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump highly enough. It is smart, funny, sad, beautiful, original, exquisitely performed, cleverly directed, SHORT!, and thought-provoking. GO AND SEE IT IF YOU LIVE IN TORONTO. It closes on Saturday so you have five more chances to see it (tonight through Saturday night plus a Saturday matinee.) Click on the link to the right for more information. I'm going to go a SECOND time. That's how good it is.

Before I move on to the New York portion of this post, I have a confession to make: I didn't get Rufus shaved after all. I couldn't go through with it. He looked up at me with that...uh...big-boned (?) face of his and his little eyes said, "Please don't shave my pride away." The catcut would have been really expensive, too -- more than I pay to get my own hair done. That seems fundamentally wrong to me. And to respond to one of the comments on my last post...yes, he's short-haired and usually only long-haired cats get shaved, but he sheds more than any cat I've ever owned in my life! (And that's a lot of cats.) So, contrary to my promise, there will be no pictures of a humiliated, robust ginger cat to follow. And I still can't get enough light to take a photo of Martha. She exists, though -- I swear. She is being de-womanized as we speak and will no doubt be furious with me when she comes out of her druggy, genderless stupor.

So...NEW YORK! Thanks to those of you who came to see the readings, to those of you who made brownies!, to those of you who handed out A Dog's Breakfast flyers, to those of you who stuck around to chat after the show, and to those of you who recommended cool places to go in New York. I ended up being busier than planned, but I still tried to do as much as possible: I saw the library, I went to Century 21 and tried on J-Lo coats (gee...I can't think why they always fit so well...), I saw the big Christmas tree, I got to know Brooklyn, I ventured into the gift shop part of the crazy space age sci fi restaurant (the name of which I've forgotten), I ate great food, I saw some fantastic musicians and I hung out with one of my oldest friends. (She's a hundred and twelve. No, no...like I've KNOWN her the longest. Jeez.) It was really great to meet those of you that I met. Thanks for your support, yet again. Some highlights of the trip include: working with The Bridge Theatre Company, hearing my play read (really well!) by entirely different voices, seeing Kristen Chenoweth live in a horrible terrible play that she absolutely shone in, having great food everywhere I went, shopping on Canal Street, Soho, hearing a New York audience laugh at my very Torontonian play, rehearsing around the corner from where David Letterman is taped, exploring New York by subway, Borders, running into a good friend from high school randomly in a mall, discovering vodka-sodas, meeting fantastic actors and playwrights, Daily Soup, hearing someone sniffing in the audience because they were moved by the play!, etc. etc. etc....

Some LOWlights include: getting trapped in a turnstile with my suitcase, creepy men on the subway, accidentally committing a B&E because I tried to get into apartment 4e instead of 4a, the tiniest airplane ever, being proud of myself for my economical packing job then realizing I forgot to bring tops, spending money I don't have, and coming home and realizing how much I miss my long lost New York buddy!

New York is a great city -- overwhelming in some ways but amazing. I hope I get to visit again soon. I think the play was a success, so hopefully it (and I!) will be back before long.

Okay...gotta go outline my new play, write a screenplay, pick up a sick cat, clean my apartment, make a wheat-free dairy-free taste-free meat-free soul-free lunch and trick Rufus into exercising.

Happy holidays everybody!

K.

2006-11-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

Just a Quick and Shameless Post/

Hello! I wanted to tell those of you who live in (or near) New York City that my first play Humans Anonymous (which premiered at the Toronto Fringe Festival over the summer) is going to be performed as a staged reading in New York next week, thanks to the Bridge Theatre Company. I am heading to the Big Apple on December 2nd and the readings themselves are happening on Dec. 6 and 7. I will be playing a small role and, more importantly, hanging out in New York for a week! Any advice?? Things to see? Things not to see? Things to eat? Things not to eat? Rufus and Martha will have a live-in nanny (yeah, it's M.), so don't worry about them. After I get Rufus shaved tomorrow, he'll be too angry and humiliated to look at me anyway, so it's probably the perfect time to go away.

For more info about the show...go to the HUMANS ANONYMOUS link to the right. -------->
(That was supposed to be an arrow.)

Also, if you're in the Toronto area, my good friends at Unspun Theatre are doing a wonderful show called Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump from Nov. 30-Dec. 16. They are an amazing, creative company and the show will be nothing less than brilliant. The play is directed by Brendan Gall (yes -- that Brendan Gall) and the cast includes: Christopher Stanton, Chris Hanratty, Shira Leuchter (see effusive link) and Trish hotstuff Lahde. Chris and Chris are the Co-Artistic Directors of the company and Brendan and I are Associate Artists. (Hey! I have a title!) There is a link to the show just over here ---------------->
uh...actually more like ----------------------------------------------------------------------^

Man, I'm lovin' the arrows today.

Other than that...happy Wednesday from me, from soon-to-be-spayed Martha and from soon-to-be-bald Rufus. And NO I WILL NOT POST PICTURES. What kind of evil cat-owner do you think I am?*

*Pictures to follow

K.

2006-11-22T12:12:00.000-05:00

Cats, Claps...and Slaps/

Oh no! It's been so long since I posted that I've forgotten what the titles are supposed to look like. I know I use the Hugify Text button and some kind of limey greeney colour, but I forget if there is a space before the forward slash. I know, I know...I could just check the blog, but I'm testing my memory skills (which translates to: "I'm too lazy".)

So...loads and loads of news. Where do I even begin? Um...how about...the new apartment:

Well, KRAM is certainly an apt name for my new bachelor pad. It is TINY! Oh, hey, look at that -- there's a 'tiny' button. I'm going to use it. So, yeah, my new apartment is tiny. Like so tiny that when I'm standing in the living room, my bum is in the kitchen. So tiny that Rufus actually looks more like a whale trapped in a cage than a cat. So tiny that when Martha tries to run from one end of the apartment to the other, just as she picks up speed, she has to stop, so she inevitably ends up sliding into the wall headfirst. So tiny that I don't need wireless internet, because the ethernet cable reaches everywhere in the apartment. So tiny that my bed doubles as a couch/armchair/cat bed/very soft shelf/table for popcorn. Yeah. Tiny.

Also...my neighbours are a TOTAL NIGHTMARE. On one side, they listen to dance music at full volume ALL DAY. Who dances all day? Who dances at home? Who even likes dance music? Who can bear that relentless bass? (If you're picturing a pushy fish right now, I mean the other kind of bass.) The other gentleman who I share a wall with enjoys playing video games in the middle of the night, also at full volume. And I don't mean Pac Man, here. I mean horrible screaming bloody gun-filled boobalicious awfulness. And he cheers for himself when he kills someone. Who are these people?

Other than that, it's a lovely apartment. I adore the location and having my own little space. Martha and Rufus are the best of friends (um...they're supposed to rip each other's fur out, right? It's a sign of love, right? Guys? Hello? Anyone?) The sunlight pours in through the window in the morning and wakes me up the way I love to be woken up. (Except on the days that some moron ties his dog up right outside my window at 5am and goes into Tim Horton's for half an hour while the dog wails his little lungs out. I don't love that so much.) All in all, though -- a happy home, KRAMmed as it is.

Now...the trip to Los Angeles. Wow. Yikes. Yipes. Holy moly. Ya ya ya. (That means "it was fun".) On Thursday, we had the first ever screening of A Dog's Breakfast, my brother David's directorial film debut. There was a lineup outside the theatre and the film was sold out! I was incredibly nervous, so while David worked his magic and made his way down the line talking to the Stargatonians, I...well...I hid. I've never really been in a situation like that before, and I didn't know what to do! I wanted to talk to people, but I wondered if they'd be like "Why is that girl from the Scotiabank commercial following David around?" Anyway...one kind lady approached me and talked about McKay and Mrs. Miller, so I felt a little more comfortable after that. Then the musical genius Tim Williams showed up, so I proudly hung out with him all night. The film was fantastic! I haven't seen it before, and I loved it! It's really David's movie -- almost all the humour comes from his antics and his unbelievable comic timing. He is simply hilarious. (I'm sucking up because I smacked him on the forehead on Saturday in front of hundreds of people at the convention.) The movie really is great, though. The script is hilarious and David's performance made me laugh so hard I was crying. I was trying to be quiet because there has to be some rule about chuckling away at a movie you're actually in, but I couldn't keep it in. To everyone reading this: ask for a screening in your city or town, if you haven't already -- it will be well worth your while! Paul, Rachel, Chris, Amanda, Michael and of course Mars the wonder dog also did a great job and the music is AMAZING. Tim is going to make some serious money off the soundtrack if/when it gets released.

Okay, enough gushing.

Now onto the convention. My first convention. I was sort of expecting thousands of screaming people dressed up like Hermiod, but it wasn't like that at all. Everyone was so great and so supportive. The first Q&A (for A Dog's Breakfast) was a bit scary, but after I slapped David, I felt much better. On Sunday, David and I did another Q&A (which was slightly less nerve-wracking) and then an autograph session. Other than the fact that I'm left-handed and smeared marker across most of the photos I signed, the signing was a big success. It was so nice to meet everyone. David teased me mercilessly about the photo of me that I was signing. I thought it was a gorgeous photo -- if you're into cross-eyed, overly happy people who clap enthusiastically while playing with a train set. (It's so funny!)

Anyway...I know it's shameless to post a picture of myself signing autographs, but it was a wild and crazy experience for me (and it's the only photo of the convention M. took that I can actually use) so I decided to include it. I didn't bring my camera, because the pictures are always so dark that it's sort of a waste of time unless I'm taking a picture of a light bulb. The sole (again, not the fish) reason I haven't posted a photo of Martha is because she's got black fur and she doesn't show up in any of the pictures. I might as well have adopted a pile of black socks with two green eyes stuck in the middle of them.

Los Angeles itself is a really cool city. I could never live there, because I don't have a driver's license and I would be hitchhiking to auditions, but it's a great place to visit. I'm sitting here bundled up in my winter coat reminiscing about a morning swim M. and I had three days ago. THREE DAYS AGO! Crazy.

This is a loooooong post. Wow. Enough.

For those of you I got to meet...it was a real pleasure. Cat, I am so sorry that we didn't get to meet up at the convention, but I will email you soon. Julie, Jen the fan girl (if that's your real name...) and all those who helped out with the screening, thank you for all your hard work on promoting A Dog's Breakfast. I hope you enjoyed it half as much as I did!

Happy Wednesday. I hope it's warmer where you are.

K.

2006-11-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Loft in Transition?/

So...I moved. I am no longer a member of PHARK. PHARK has, in fact, dissolved and will soon transition into PAG instead. (Or GAP, I guess, but I hate their pants. Too big in the waist, too small in the hips.) I can't bear to change the name of the blog, because I'll never ever come up with something that clever again. Um...let's try..."No-Loft, Not Being Translated"? Nope. Lame. Uh..."Eternal Sunshine of the Loftless Mind"? Even lamer, because it sounds like I'm actually trying. "Paradise Loft"? Well that doesn't make a lick of sense. And what's worse, I just used the word "lick" in the 1950s old man way. Ohhhh dear. "The Bachelorette"? Nope, I'm not single. "My Apartment"? Catchy, Hewlett. Reeeeeal catchy.

See? It's useless. So I'm keeping the title "Loft in Translation", even if it means that I have to spy on P, A and the mysterious new G in order to justify my decision. So there.

And now, if I may...ladies and gentlemen (all two of you)...I present:

KRAM

It's the new PHARK, but with less space and more cats.

That's right. I adopted a second cat. Her name is Martha, and I could fit about seven cats her size into Rufus' generous belly (not that I've tried. That would be HORRIFYING.) She is fluffy and black-brown (like all my IKEA furniture) and very, very small. Rufus and Martha chase each other around the new apartment (all ten square feet of it) while Martha bares her claws and Rufus swings his stumps...and they sleep on my bed together at night. Neither one of them shows the slightest bit of interest in me. I'm just the one who opens the blinds for them so they can make that weird "want to eat pigeons" noise they love so much; the one who puts their food out when they knock breakables off high surfaces to let me know they're hungry; the one who discourages them from storing their toys in the litterbox. Yep, Crazycatladyland can get a little lonely. (Not really. That was just for dramatic effect.)

So that's my news!

Also...I think I'm going to go to Los Angeles for the Dog's Breakfast screening this month. Will I meet any of you there??

Until then, I'll be unpacking. And picking up tufts of fur...

K.

2006-10-24T16:02:00.000-04:00

Why I've Been Away So Long:
A Photographic Journal by Loser McToomuchtimeonherhands/

(If I had been blessed with technological prowess, I would have put each photograph above each entry. Alas, I was blessed only with child-bearing hips and the ability to whip up a damn fine peanut sauce.)

I've been suffering from some sort of nasty flu which starts with a three-day fever, turns into a frustrating and ever-deepening chest cough, and culminates with relentless cravings for ketchup-flavoured rice cakes. I'm better now -- puffy from all the carbohydrates and tatooed from red dye #3 -- but better.
I've been working all day every day on the rough draft of my new play and...I did it! It's finished! It's ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH and I kind of sort of hate it a little bit in places, but it has a beginning, a middle and an end. Five very talented people workshopped it for me on Sunday and now I don't want to even look at the thing for at least two months. (Hey, I just rediscovered the "make things huge" button. Nice.)
I've been researching cat gymnastics.
I am moving on Sunday and I've been packing. I am not a good packer. I am, in fact, the world's third-worst packer. The world's worst packer is my friend Chris H., who thinks that anything larger than a pencil doesn't need to go in a box. The #2 spot goes to my friend Cole, who tries to move dressers with the clothes still in them, and bookcases with the books still in them. (I once moved a microwave with some thai noodles still in it, though, so who am I to judge?)
I've been writing music like a mad woman (like...a lot, not like...with my guitar in one hand and a dead bunny in the other.)
I've been having a love affair with my new spectacles. They turn into sunglasses when it's bright outside -- the greatest invention of the 21st Century, in my humble opinion, closely followed by the Rufaroller. (Rufus+stroller=Rufaroller.)
No comment. And I totally have NOT gained five pounds.

Sorry that some of you were worried about my disappearance! And thanks for all the great feedback on the Gateworld interview.

I'm going to see A. in The Graduate on Friday -- exciting! (I'm going to close my eyes during the naked parts, though. I'm not mature enough to deal with that.)

Hope everyone reading this is well and happy and not addicted to cupcakes,

K.

2006-10-13T14:00:00.001-04:00

Hot Lemon, Ginger and Anger/

I'm sick. I have a fever. And a cough. I'm not even drinking coffee! I mean, I'm still at the coffee shop, but this time I'm drinking hot lemony gingery substances instead of coffee/crack. The fever part is kind of fun, I have to admit. I can say weird, inappropriate things (eg. 'parks are delicious' -- I just made that one up) and no one judges me, because it's "the fever talking". I can also talk in my sleep (as usual), stay away from the gym (same ol') and buy a cat stroller (?) and say that it's "the fever acting".

Anyway...let's talk about something else...like...uh...bunnies? Boats? OKAY FINE. I'LL TALK ABOUT THE CAT STROLLER. I bought one. Well, I didn't exactly buy one -- I made one. Is that worse or better? Possibly worse. I am now officially that lady. The lady who wheels around her angry-looking tiny puffy dog in a baby carriage on the streetcar; the lady who wears exclusively paisley, draws her eyebrows on with a magic marker and wears lipstick as blush; the lady who has a cat sweater, a cat calendar, a cat mug, a cat apron, cat salt and pepper shakers and ten cats. It doesn't matter what I do...if I'm pushing a homemade stroller with a cat in it, I'm that lady. I'll just have to accept it. (Unless that's the fever talking.) But man, the stroller is handy. No more taxis for Rufus and I.

It is winter now in Toronto. (Nice, smooth subject change there, Kate.) Over the weekend, it was 25 degrees Celsius (which is something else in Farenheit...let's say...um...235 degrees. Yaaaaa. Sorry -- it's the fever typing. And doing conversions.) Now, just four days later, it's 1 degree outside, there's something that looks an awful lot like snow falling outside and the wind is blowing so hard that an angry leaf almost took my eardrum out when I was standing on the street corner. Oh well. I'm not a big fan of winter, but I sort of prefer it to summer.

Hey! I have some big news:

I'm moving! Phark is no more. From now on, I'll be a member of the un-phark instead. (That doesn't make any sense.) I'll have to come up with a new name for the blog, too. Or maybe I'll just spend a few days coming up with a really good way to justify keeping it the same...

Hope everyone's well and happy!

Feverishly,

K.
(p.s. dso17, I have absolutely no idea about plays from the 50s, but I'm looking into it!)

2006-10-05T10:59:00.000-04:00

Just to be clear.../

The aforementioned "plans for February" may include one, some or all of the following:

hibernation, a cupcake fast (JUST cupcakes, not NO cupcakes), the traditional February blahs, a new snowsuit, some script work for Noble Parasites, my bi-annual trip to the gym, M's birthday, Rufus' gravy-free birthday, a Valentine's Day protest, more cupcakes, anemia, my dad's birthday, a really red nose, some confusion surrounding how many days there are in a month...and maybe a spontaneous trip to Mexico if I can get enough voice gigs to cover the cost.

To my knowledge, those are the only confirmed plans on the horizon. Sorry to disappoint...

K.

2006-10-03T15:12:00.000-04:00

Eight Pharkin' Days Later/

Hi. It's me. Kate. You remember...Kate? The blonde one (with red ends -- they're so damn hard to get rid of. Never go red on a whim.) 5 feet and 8 inches tall (with my new 2.5 inch heels on), 29 years old (possibly for another six or seven years because 30 is sounding a little terrifying right now), queen of the procrastinators, mother to Rufus, drinker of coffee (decaf). Remember me? Well, it's been eight whole days since I last posted, but I'm back. Since it's been eight whole days, I'm sure you expect me to have LOTS to report. You know...breakups, pregnancies, travel, life-altering experiences, auditions, play completion, awards, new friends, plans for the future...etc. etc...

Well...I auditioned to be the voice in a chicken commercial. Does that count? Although...that wasn't in the last eight days. Um...okay...I broke up with Rufus temporarily, but we're fine now; I met at least one pregnant person, I traveled to Queen Street West and spent an exorbitant amount of money on a new pair of glasses (they're awesome); I ate two life-altering cupcakes; I thought about how glad I was to not be auditioning for a meat commercial this week; I worked on my play; Rufus left a special award for me on my bedroom floor; I reconnected with a friend I haven't spoken to in eleven years; and I'm still waiting to hear back about some plans for February (hmm....mysterious).

Phew. I guess I did have a lot to report.

About the play...I've written an outline, seven pages and three songs and I'm getting pretty excited about it. For some reason, the music is coming along much faster than the script. I'm a little stuck on the story front, actually, and there is VERY little you can do with a seven-page play. Anyway...I'll figure it out. It's just writer's block. Yeah. That's it. "Writer's block." Not "procrastinator's seven-page itch". Not at all.

About Rufus/Rufette...never give a cat gravy. Aside from the obvious complications, it turns them into gravy-craving psychopaths. Psychopets. Psychopeths. Psychocats. Wow. The writer's block is affecting my punning, too.

About the rest of PHARK (well, I guess it's PHRK right now, because A's off being famous in London)...P turned thirty yesterday. THIRTY. Gosh, I'm glad I'm still right in the middle of my twenties. Yep, right in the middle of the fourth quarter of the last year of my twenties. I'm fine with that. Tooooootally fine. My mother had given birth to four children and pursued two different careers by age thirty, but that's fine. I've given birth to at LEAST four ideas in my life. And I've played people with careers on TV.

Well...it's 9:45pm and I haven't written yet today, so I'm off. It's time to be productive. And by 'be productive', I mean 'go drinking, then come home and eat slightly out-of-date cupcakes'.

K.

2006-09-25T21:16:00.000-04:00

I Am More Humbled Than a Male Cat in a Pink Leather Bag/

Seriously. More than 180 people from all over the world, ranging in age from 13-65 (from the answers I've read so far) responded to my questionnaire. It was not an easy questionnaire; it was not a short questionnaire; it was not a particularly fun questionnaire; I have used the word 'questionnaire' too many times, and my overuse of the semi-colon is shameless. But still. Wow. Hooooo-leeeeeey. Gosh. You exceeded my expectations -- and they were already high!

I actually wanted to thank each person individually, but I think that would take me seventeen years and also...maybe you don't want an email reminding you that I now have your email address.

For those of you who were worried about not being concise, or not having anything important to say...PLEASE DON'T THINK LIKE THAT! Every single answer was useful; every joke made me smile; every story reminded me that I have to write this play -- that I have to talk about violence because it is universal and it is not going away anytime soon. Everyone was concise when they could be, while taking the time they needed to answer the more complicated questions.

I was very interested to hear that so many people have not read or do not relate to the three Shakespeare plays I chose -- that helps me too. I will incorporate them differently now that I know that. I chose these plays because they deal with themes and stories that are still occurring today. After reading the answers people submitted, I believe that even more strongly. I just have to work harder to make the text accessible.

What a wonderful, open group of people I have met through writing this blog. I can't thank you enough.

I hope you all have a great week -- I'll be READING QUESTIONNAIRES.....

k.
p.s. Yes, that's me in the photo waiting for the bus with...um...Rufette. And I shouldn't be wearing those shoes with those pants.

2006-09-21T18:14:00.000-04:00

Two Quick Things About my Last Post/

(Thanks so much for the answers that have come in so far, by the way. I really appreciate how open everyone is being, while respecting their own boundaries.)

I just want you all to know that Basha (of kate_and_basha@hotmail.com) was my cat (more like my child actually -- just a really furry one) who died in December of last year. I didn't want anyone to think that my secret Russian lover would be reading their private emails! Basha could sing happy birthday, but I'm pretty sure she couldn't read, so even if she were alive today, your information would be safe.

Also, I just realized that some people may not want to email me, because they don't want to give out their email address/name. So, if you would prefer to answer the questions anonymously on my blog, please feel free to do so and I will delete the comment as soon as I've read it. Thanks again.

I would love to get some responses from men, too! There's only been one so far! Don't be shy!

k.

2006-09-21T13:29:00.000-04:00

Procrastination and Productivity: A Match Made in Heaven/

Okay. So...approximately 100 people responded to my last post and said that they would be willing to answer some tough questions in order to help me out with Use My Babies Well, the play I am currently writing (or on some days, the play I am avoiding writing!)

I can't tell you how grateful I am for your willingness to help out. I am interested in hearing from people of all ages, genders, backgrounds, nationalities and occupations, so please don't feel like your input won't be useful. It will!

I have listed the questions below. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ONLY ANSWER THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT TO ANSWER. NEVER FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO ANSWER SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. Also, if you can't figure out how to say something in English, feel free to write that part of your answer in your first language (and say what that language is!) and I will translate it.

PLEASE EMAIL ME YOUR ANSWERS -- DO NOT POST THEM ON THE COMMENTS PAGE, so that this information is not available for everyone to read. I've come up with an ingenious system (well...ingenious for someone who's only had one coffee today) to avoid overloading my email accounts. Here it is:

If your last name begins with a letter between A and L, please send your answers to: katehewlett2@yahoo.ca

If your last name begins with a letter between M and Z, please send your answers to:
kate_and_basha@hotmail.com

**PLEASE DO NOT INCLUDE PHOTOS OR ATTACHMENTS AND PLEASE TRY TO BE CONCISE (2-3 SENTENCES WHERE POSSIBLE) AS I AM ANTICIPATING A LOT OF RESPONSES!**

Here are the questions, and again...please do not answer anything you don't want to answer. Some of them are very personal, and who the heck am I?! (Some girl who was on Stargate once!) This information is for me and me alone -- it will inform my play, but it will not end up in my play. It will also not be shown to other people. Please include the question numbers or the questions themselves in your response. Here goes...

1) What is your age?

2) What is your gender?

3) What country/city do you live in?

4) Have you ever read or seen Shakespeare’s Richard III, Macbeth or Titus?

5) If so, was there anything you could relate to in these plays, or did they seem very removed from your life?

6) Has anyone ever taken revenge on you (even in a small way) for something you did to them, or for something they thought you did to them? Have you ever taken revenge on someone for something?

7) Approximately how many physical fights have you had in your life? If so, how and why did ONE of these fights begin?

8) Do you ever fear for your life when you are out alone in your town/city? Why or why not?

9) What is one situation in which someone has treated you badly in order to move up in the world?

10) What is your definition of a “sexual assault”?

11) What is one act of physical or emotional violence that you have encountered in your life and how has it affected your life? (Please feel free to skip this question if it is too personal for you to answer.)

12) What is one story in the news that had a significant impact on your life, and why do you think it affected you so much?

13) Have you ever experienced war first-hand?

14) Have you ever seen a movie that you felt was too violent? If so, which one?

15) Name one violent movie that you love.

16) If you could start your life over again, would you choose to be a man or a woman?

If you are 24 or younger, please answer the following questions. If you are 25 or older, please answer questions 25-33 instead.

17) If you have brothers or sisters, do you get along with them?

18) Is there any jealousy in your family? If so, who is jealous of whom, and how does it present itself?

19) Do you consider yourself to be a person who has a lot of friends?

20) Are most of your friends from school, the internet, or other?

21) Do you have any friends online who you have never met?

22) Do you/have you ever felt afraid to speak up in class? If so, what made you afraid?

23) Do you think that parents should be allowed to spank their children as a form of punishment?

24) Name five of your favorite movies!

If you are 25 or older, please answer the following questions:

25) Do you have children? If so, are you concerned for your children’s safety in the town/city you live in?

26) If you do NOT have children, would you like to have children? Is there anything in particular in the world today that makes you hesitant to have children?

27) Were you ever bullied as a child or as a teenager?

28) Did you ever bully anyone (even verbally) as a child or as a teenager?

29) What is or what was the biggest difference between your belief system and that of your parents?

30) In a relationship, what is one thing that you absolutely would not stand for?

31) Have you ever been attacked by a stranger?

32) Have you ever been attacked by someone you know?

33) Did your parents use any kind of physical punishment against you as a child or was it only verbal?

THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY. THIS INFORMATION IS GOING TO HELP ME A LOT WITH THE PROJECT.

I'll put up a fun post soon, I promise...

K.

2006-09-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Tuesdays/

Ahhh. 9:57 am on a Tuesday morning. Tuesdays, for me, are actually more like Mondays for other people, because I usually start my work week on a Tuesday. Mondays for me are about resenting the fact that my work week should have begun, watching bad television, procrastinating and feeling guilty. Tuesdays are about getting my life together and being productive.

So I'm posting again.

I am not writing my play, or composing music, or helping little old ladies cross the street, or going to the gym, or pushing my cat around the apartment and calling it "exercise". No, I am contributing to my long lost blog before heading to a voice audition for some kind of cereal commercial. I'm a little concerned that I won't be able to actually form cohesive sentences at the audition, because I had a rough night last night and I am ridiculously tired. I have also only had a DECAF COFFEE today, not a real one. See how good I am at fighting ulcers? (Yes, it's possible that I had three beers last night, but I was alone, so they don't count. And one of them was a Guinness, which is full of vitamins and can repair damage to the stomach lining. A very respectable alcoholic told me that.)

Let me just explain that when I say "rough night" I am not exaggerating: I sleepwalk. And talk. And grind my teeth. And I think it's possible that I move furniture around with my head, because how else could my neck hurt this much? The sleepwalking makes for some busy nights. For instance, I lived alone in my last apartment, and I woke up one morning with lip gloss in one hand and some small change in the other hand. On a different night, I somehow pulled down all the health and fitness books (all four of them) from my bookshelf, and I woke up in the morning with "Firm Buns, Trim Thighs" (I wish I was joking) and "The Sports Nutrition Journal" lying next to me on the bed.

In the PHARK house, I recently climbed the ladder up to my loft space in my sleep, then woke up for a minute, decided it was dangerous, climbed back down, fell asleep again and then moved the entire ladder (which is NOT light) over to a different wall. When I woke up, the ladder was blocking the bathroom. Interesting.

This is probably a little more information about my sleep habits than the internet needed.

On to a new topic...um...I did a telephone interview yesterday about McKay and Mrs. Miller and A Dog's Breakfast, which was lots of fun. I was actually pretty nervous, which meant that I did a lot of really loud laughing (generally at my own jokes) and that my vocabulary was reduced by 75% . I hope it turns out okay.

The Queen West Art Crawl was very cool (ohhh dear -- my vocabulary hasn't returned to normal yet.) Lisa's photographs were excellent as always, and there were paintings, sculptures, jewelry displays, roasted yams (as food, not as art), sketches, accessories and all sorts of other good things. Even though I can't draw a circle, I was still able to appreciate the fact that other people can. One artist had painted a canoe paddle that looked so real I was convinced I could pick it up. (I didn't try.) She had also painted a suitcase that, again, was so real and seemingly three dimensional that I couldn't stop staring at it. The artist thought I was a little creepy.

Now I will stop talking about art before I expose myself as someone who knows nothing about art.

As for my writing...I HAVE STARTED THE PROJECT! FOR REAL! I wrote a monologue, a scene, and a song (well, the music for a song -- some William Shakespeare guy wrote the lyrics), but the research phase is not going well. So...I am thinking of asking the people who read this blog for some help. Since approximately 700-800 people visit Loft in Translation every day (I can't even talk about how much that blows my mind), I thought I would use that opportunity to do some research. I am supposed to interview people from across Canada for the first phase of the project, but I would love to expand that to Canada and the world. The play I am writing deals with violence against young people, so some of the questions I will be asking aren't easy to ask or to answer. Before I ask any questions, though, I'd love to know whether or not any of you loft-in-translationites would be willing to answer them. I can give out one of my seventeen thousand email addresses and you can send your responses there, instead of posting them on the blog.

The other thing I'd love would be the "To be or not to be" speech from Hamlet in as many languages as possible, if any of you have copies of Hamlet in languages other than English. Anyway...I will be more specific in my next post, but I just thought I'd ask everyone's opinion about helping me with the research portion of my new play, Use My Babies Well.

How does that sound? Is that a terrible idea? An okay idea? Coffee? (Oh, shoot...my subconscious just typed that. I hate it when it does that.)

Have a happy Tuesday...

K.

2006-09-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

photo by Lisa Pharkin' Stanton

Lisa Pharkin' Stanton/

She's gorgeous. She's smart. She has created the images for COUNTLESS theatre posters and publicity shots for her demanding actor-friends (including me). She takes photographs of flowers that make me feel guilty for eating vegetables. She's Lisa Stanton, ladies and gentlemen, and this weekend you can see (and even buy!) some of her amazing photographs (if you live in Ontario, I guess, or if you're visiting from Australia/New Zealand in order to escape all the Russellcrowian controversy. Okay, that is officially the WORST adjective I have ever invented.)

Lisa will be at booth #15, in the RED section of Trinity Bellwoods Park (I don't know what that means, but it sounds hot) for the Queen West Art Crawl this coming weekend. Interestingly enough, this is also the weekend that was supposed to mark the end of the "research phase" of my new "play". If "research" actually translates to "watching movies", or "taking Rufus on unnecessary overnight adventures", or "finding out more about Fall fashion", then I've met my deadline and possibly even exceeded my own expectations. In facte, I'm patting myseff on the bak as I writee thhis (thus the spelling mistakes. One-handed typing is tough.)

So if you can, go and see Lisa's amazing work in Trinity-Bellwoods Park tomorrow or Sunday!

Also...I want to tell you about a concert I went to on Tuesday. Wednesday? Wednesday. Monday? Oh god, the procrastinatory guilt is making the days bleed into one another. Anyhow...the band was absolutely incredible. The lead singer/songwriter's name is Colin Munroe. Watch for him, because he's going to be famous. He has a beautiful voice, his lyrics are amazing, he plays every instrument under the sun (well, at least three of them) and the members of his band are charismatic and fantastically talented. I even bought his cd. So did P, which means that one of us wasted ten whole dollars, and I'm not even upset about it. BECAUSE THE CD IS JUST THAT GOOD.

Okay. Now a little update on PHARK. Rufus has just earned "most adaptable cat in Canada" status, because I brought him to M's place for two nights and he didn't blink an eye. He walked into the apartment, looked around, sniffed a few things, went about his usual business of knocking every object off every surface with his little boxing glove of a paw, and then lay down for a snooze in the middle of the living room floor. He did meow out a few complaints on the bus, but who wouldn't? I mean, we've already established that buses smell and make otherwise normal people evil. I'd meow on the bus too, if I wasn't so afraid of being judged.

A. is well on his way to star status. He shot the short film last week and is now busily working on the t.v. episode before heading off to London, Ontario for The Graduate. I haven't seen the others in days, so I have nothing to update. (Um...and I haven't asked their permission yet to share intimate details of their lives.)

Thanks to those who commented and let me know that they'd seen the Scotiabank commercial. That's how I found out it had aired! Now maybe I'll be able to pay my rent in October...or maybe I'll buy an iPod...hmm...

And to those of you who asked...yes, I read every comment. I don't take procrastination lightly, let me tell you. I am 100% committed to procrastinating 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in as many languages as possible...uh...except when I'm sleeping, because that's important too.

The comments make me laugh. Lots. Every day. Thanks for that.

Now I'm going to go and answer interview questions, which is actually quite a productive form of non-productivity.

K.
p.s. If you'd like to see more of Lisa Stanton's photography, please visit her blog at:
www.electricbluecameraco.blogspot.com

2006-09-12T08:16:00.000-04:00

The Demise of PHARK/

I just realized something. When H moves out, we'll be left with PARK...or KRAP, I guess, neither of which is a cool name for a band. KARP? Is KARP cool? No. Fish just inherently aren't cool, especially when they're spelled incorrectly. PRAK? Nope. Sounds like a mistake or a terribly-named snack. Maybe I should cut Rufus from the band and then we could call ourselves KAP. That's kind of cool, no? Of course, there is no band, so I'm not quite sure what I'm talking about. I wonder what instrument Rufus would play in the not-a-band. Something chilled out, I think. Like the upright bass. Although he'd have a tough time playing an instrument with his little mutant paws. See? There's ANOTHER reason why you shouldn't get your cat declawed. It could affect his/her musical career.

I've been gone for four days, and THAT'S the paragraph I come back with? Ohhh dear. When I say "gone", I of course mean "procrastinating" because I have now taken to procrastinating from the procrastination (a.k.a blogging). Here's my update, though:

Friday: Arrived late at the designated meeting place (a.k.a. liquor store) for girls' night, where my poor friend had just witnessed a minor car crash involving angry rich people and was being hit on by one of the crashees; Went to girls' night where my friend AE (who is a better chef than...um...insert famous chef here...) had whipped up the most fantastic vegetarian meal of my life involving tomatoes that actually tasted like tomatoes. (Here in Canada, tomatoes don't taste like they do in, say, Italy. They taste like the inside of a cucumber from 1986, injected with red food colouring.) They were "Heirloom" tomatoes and they came from a "garden". Crazy. Then we drank awesome wine (uh...well, THEY did. I watched. With a glass of wine in my hand. Um...which occasionally ended up in my mouth. And then stomach. Okay fine, I drank wine.) We also watched a video of "The Boyfriend" -- a musical that we did in high school. And it held up! It was still good! I mean, there's the odd guy in there who can't even find his feet, let alone use them, but for the most part, I'm pretty darn impressed with the quality of musicals we did back in the day. (I'm turning thirty soon, so I have to start using expressions like "back in the day".)

The rest of the weekend was basically devoted to hosting a family dinner, writing a new song, forgetting how to play the song, re-learning it, playing it for M, and seeing an amazing short play starring the multi-talented Brendan Gall (see below) and the stunning and hilarious Maev Beatty. It was written by my favorite playwright, Hannah Moscovitch. (Hannah is remarkable. See everything she writes. Seriously.) I also may or may not have eaten a deep-fried burrito. (I don't want to talk about it.)

I saw McKay and Mrs. Miller and I really liked it. I'm glad that so many people have been responding well to the episode and I can't thank you enough for all the lovely comments. I hope I will get to visit Atlantis again too! (I miss Hermiod a little bit. We definitely had a connection. He even flirted with me on set, but I'll save that story for another day.) And yes, Brendan Gall who played Caleb (brilliantly, might I say) is my buddy from Unspun Theatre, as well as the director of Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump (which is where Martin Gero first saw me act), as well as an old friend of Martin's, as well as the non-coincidental name of an ex-Stargate character (who I believe died a horrible death). And no, he is not the guy in the photo I posted, although it is possible that I may have suggested to M that Brendan's hair was cool, which may or may not have prompted M to grow his hair like Brendan's, dress like Brendan, talk like Brendan and change his name to Mrendan.

This is a very long post.

One quick thing before I go...I actually like Russell Crowe. I think he's handsome. And a really good actor. And I think maybe I'm a little out of touch with the bad press he's had. Am I not supposed to like him? When did that happen? Man, I have to start watching E-Talk Daily more often.

Okay! I'm done! I'M GOING TO WRITE TODAY. SERIOUSLY.

Chimichangas,

K.

2006-09-08T16:57:00.000-04:00

Brevity is the Soul of Wit (a.k.a. I'm Going to be Late for Dinner if I Make this Post Too Long)/

It is 4:55pm and I am meeting my oldest and dearest friend (another M! Fancy that!) at 5:30pm for a girls' night/high school reunion type of thing. I still have to choose an outfit, change, make my face look human, buy booze (uh...not for me...it's for my friend...um...Klate Pewlett, who DOESN'T have an ulcer...) and get to Lakeshore Blvd.

So I am going to make this post quick and I am not going to ramble like I did in the first paragraph (and in the title, a little bit.) No! Paragraph Two Kate is concise. Concise concise concise. Yep yep yeppers. Paaaaaragraph Twooooo Kaaaaaate. Here goes: I hope that anyone reading this is having a wonderful day. I also hope that anyone NOT reading this is having a wonderful day -- I just left you out because you're not reading this, so you wouldn't know I was wishing you well and you'd--

Oh man, I'm being long-winded again.

Happy Friday, everyone! That's it. Thank you thank you thank you for all the comments and especially to Jen for the new subsite, which is incredibly flattering and wholly undeserved! (It's pretty damn cool, though. And surreal!)

Also...I hope those of you in the U.S. enjoy McKay and Mrs. Miller tonight. And I hope those of you in Australia enjoy...um...knowing that you share something special with Russell Crowe. And those of you in England? Uh...I hope you enjoy the chocolate there. It tastes better. So does the milk. For those of you living in Germany, Italy, France, Japan, etc. etc....I hope you enjoy knowing I'm intensely jealous of you for living in Germany, Italy, France, Japan, etc. etc.

This isn't brief at all.

Hey, by the way, I saw "Titus" the movie last night and it was AMAZING. WOW. Inspiring. Not happy (unless you're a reeeeal sicko) but inspiring.

And now I'm officially late. Can I use blogoholism as an excuse?

Bye!

K.

2006-09-07T08:21:00.000-04:00

"M"...and a Tiny Angry Gnome Pretending to be my Brother/

I never take photographs. I never have.

Okay, okay, that's not exactly true. I took photographs for about two months when I was ten years old after buying a sassy white Minolta in England with my grandfather, but when I got the film developed (don't you miss that?) the pictures were truly terrible. For starters, they were all of cats. And not just the twenty seven cats belonging to my grandparents...I took pictures of random cats, too. Yup. Raaaandom British cats. Creepy. And what's more, they were all out of focus or appeared to have been taken in the dark. Under water. With something that looks a lot like Tinkerbell somewhere in the shot, usually in front of something important. Let's just say that I am severely artistically challenged (like can't-draw-a-happy-face challenged) and photography is no exception.

And so I return to my point. I never take photographs. The problem is that I keep wanting to post photos (because they're more fun and they take less time than writing an essay about my ulcer-in-training) but I have a limited selection to choose from. So I stole this one from M's desktop! Gee, I hope he doesn't find out. (Hi M, if you're reading this. How's it going? Hope you're having a nice day. Um...I uploaded one of your photos. Hope that's okay. At least you don't have a near-beard in this one, right? It could be worse. You should count your lucky stars. And while you're at it, can you buy some Orangina for tonight?)

The picture above was taken during my whirlwind week of McKay and Mrs. Miller-ing. And I took it (with M's camera). And it has no cats in it. And I don't know if you noticed, but those no-cats are completely in focus, in the daylight, with nothing even resembling Tinkerbell anywhere near them. Nice!

Speaking of cats...the members of PHARK (well, mostly just P and his now-traumatized friend) had a nasty Rufal scare yesterday. (YES. I turned my cat's name into an adjective. YES. I KNOW. I'VE OFFICIALLY LOST IT. I KNOW.) I was out petting other animals at Riverdale Farm (awesome place with happy animals that make me glad I don't eat meat), so Rufus decided that he would take that opportunity to try skydiving. He climbed up to the highest ledge in the loft, got stuck, and kept losing his balance and slipping (thanks in part to the kind folks who decided to amputate his claws). Luckily, P was home creating some filmic work of genius with a friend of his...and they saved the day. If they hadn't been home, Rufus would have fallen twenty five feet, hitting a chandelier, a kitchen table that used to be a printing press (NOT soft), and two metal chairs on his way down. Needless to say, I don't think he would have made it out unscathed. Now I have to lock him in my bedroom every time I go out, so that he doesn't attempt suicide again. I can only imagine the damage he'll do in there. I'm fully expecting to come home today to swear words on the walls (made of little paw prints) and shredded photos on the floor. At the very least, he'll fish some gum out of the garbage can, chew it, and leave little dribbles of it everywhere. (Second-hand gum is his favorite food. Perfect.) Anyway...P is my favorite letter in PHARK today. Thanks, P.

Just to update you: I am no longer dependent on coffee (well...only one a day), I have exercised three times this week (if you count stretching) and my new vice is actually the anti-vice: de-alcoholized beer. If you put tasty stuff in it, it almost tastes good too. (Wow, I should go into advertising.) I have not written a single page of my play yet, but I am going to watch Richard III today (as research -- I swear). The weather is gorgeous (FALL! YAAAAAAAAAY!) and life is fun. It really is.

The very last episode of 11 Cameras is on tonight (7:30pm and 11:30pm in Canada only, on CBC) and McKay and Mrs. Miller is on tomorrow night! Ahhhhhh! Of course, we don't get SGA here, so I won't see it until 2017, but I hope you guys enjoy it. Maybe you could take pictures of the t.v. or something. (That was a joke. Even though I may, possibly, potentially, perhaps, once have taken polaroids of a car commercial because I was in love with one of the actors. Maybe.) After you watch the episode (if you can) go to the Unspun Theatre website and see if you notice any strange coincidences!

One quick thing before I go: MY DAD READS THIS BLOG. MY BRITISH DAD. MY BRITISH, OLD-FASHIONED, CAPTAIN VON TRAPP DAD. Just bear that in mind if you're posting a comment that may or may not involve bodily fluids!

Thanks for all the amazing music suggestions, the linguistic challenges, the artwork, the photos and the insight into your lives (even the insights involving bodily fluids!) It's nice to know you(s)! Don't worry, I don't actually say 'yous'.

Pharkitudinally,

k.

2006-09-04T23:28:00.002-04:00

A Seasoned Pharkin' Traveler/

Why hasn't Kate posted in two full days, you may be asking yourself? What could she possibly be doing? Why isn't she chained to her computer with pizza sauce dribbling down her chin? Why has she abandoned us?

[Or maybe you haven't actually noticed that I've been away because you were so busy being productive, going to the gym, eating cheeseless thin-crust near-pizza, living full lives and reading cool people's blogs instead, in which case...um...don't read this. I've got nothin'.]

Now that the cool people have stopped reading...hi! I, as a seasoned Ontario traveler, spent all of today in beautiful downtown St. Catherine's and all of yesterday in...um....unique suburban Hamilton. I have now officially seen more of Ontario than I ever needed to. Honestly, though, I had two really fun days. Family and friends are better than coffee. (That's a lie.) Family and friends are better than beer. (Almost. Lite beer, maybe.) Family and friends are better than (or maybe just on par with) realizing that your cat may actually have lost a pound or two.

This was supposed to be a short entry. I am going to bed now.

But first! A few parting thoughts, after my two days of traveling:

1) I want to move to Turkey, because apparently people in Turkey aren't allowed to use cell phones on buses. (I somehow always manage to sit in front of someone who talks really loudly for sixty minutes straight on their cell phone about things I DON'T NEED TO KNOW. Like what they drank last night, what kind of bra they're wearing (if at all), and why they hate every girl they've ever met. Just as an example, of course.)

2) a) I have a really cool sister. b) I challenge anyone to put a Dora puzzle together faster than my nieces can. They may say "kix" instead of "six", but they're baby geniuses. Both of them.

3) Buses don't smell good in Ontario.

4) Buses are twenty degrees colder than the air outside in the winter, and twenty degrees hotter than the air outside in the summer.

5) I am bad with money.

6) Discount stores are no longer cheap if you buy everything in the store.

7) St. Catherine's, Ontario is pretty awesome.

8) Hamilton is not as bad as they say.

9) Bus trips make me tired.

10) I am not funny after 11pm.

11) I may not be funny before 11pm either.

K.

2006-09-02T15:43:00.000-04:00

"Laser Me Skinny": The Rufus Hewlett Story/

So first off, I have to thank Paula (if that's your real name...Dr. Dolittle is more like it) for her ingenius laser beam suggestion. "A" has been telling me to buy one of of those for about seven months, but why would I listen to him? No, no, complete strangers are WAY more reliable. Anyhow, I bought a laser pointer yesterday, and Rufus went nuts! Not only did he STAND UP...he actually JUMPED a little and sort of RAN. Okay, okay, calling it "running" would be a bit of a stretch, but it was faster than a walk. It was a trot. A cat-trot. A rapid waddle. The way someone runs when they're just getting to the end of a marathon and they only trained for a 10K. (That's "kilometres", for all you mile-using Americans. Ki-lo-me-tres. It's a measure of distance. And I, it would seem, am really really hyper today. Must be the rain.)

I am thrilled, therefore, to say that my cat is well on his way to becoming an athlete. I, on the other hand, am sitting at my computer eating a pizza. (It has a high-fibre crust, though, which cancels out the cheese. Somehow.)

It is a quiet day today in the loft, other than the sound of little furry feet chasing something they will, alas, never catch. I spent the morning organizing one of my email accounts (I have seven) into folders. You know, "The fam", "Friends from high school", "Friends from theatre school", "Ex-boyfriends", "The Aeroplan account I didn't know I had", "People I don't really like anymore but whose emails I'm keeping anyway because I'm incapable of throwing things out". That sort of thing. I have decided not to start writing my new play until Tuesday. Yep, Tuesday's the day. For now, I am officially on holiday, which will hopefully mean that I can stop feeling guilty soon and relax, after a truly crazy summer of theatre.

As for the members of PHARK (that band photo was fantastic, by the way!), things are going swimmingly. "A" is getting ready for his three back-to-back acting gigs; "H" has his delightfully feisty girlfriend in town; "P" splits his time evenly between brainstorming film ideas and...well...beard maintenance; "R" is losing his mind over a beam of light; and I am blogging my life away.

M and I are thrilled about all the comments in other languages -- thank you and keep them coming. I am actually getting a little cocky about my French. Oui, c'est vrai, je suis bilingue! C'est merveilleux! (See? Cocky.) I checked out Les Cowboys Fringands, as instructed, and I absolutely love them. My favorite song so far is "Ma belle Sophie."

Please feel free to tell me about other bands/musicians that I wouldn't hear about otherwise. French bands, British bands, Hungarian bands, American bands, Russian bands, Italian bands, Spanish bands, Klingon bands (No! No! I'm kidding! Please don't...) I like low-key, mellow music the best and I'm a big fan of piano and vocals, guitar and vocals, etc. My faves (oh my god, I just used the word "faves". GIVE me some caffeine. NOW!) are:
Rufus (meow) Wainwright, Hawksley Workman, Ani di Franco, Jack Johnson, Keane, The Weakerthans, Claire Jenkins, Sarah Harmer, Lauryn Hill (that's a new one for me), Johnny Cash (also new...don't tell my dad, because I made fun of him for twenty years) and many more.

In return, I will continue to post photos of David that prove he's not actually as much of a jerk as McKay. He smiles. Often. With teeth. (Not much hair, though. He shares that characteristic with Rodney, strangely enough.)

Off to eat the other half of that pizza. Yaaaaaaaay fibre!

K.

2006-09-01T16:31:00.000-04:00

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Nerds/

(Enough said, I think.)
K.

2006-08-31T14:22:00.000-04:00

Loft in Translation: Finally, the Title Makes Sense/

Wow. That last post received comments in English, French, Spanish, Italian, Norwegian, Hungarian, German, Japanese, Dutch, Hebrew, Pig Latin (shameless), Portugese and Romanian. I am absolutely floored by this response! It also means the death of my already limited productivity, as I just spent four and a half hours in a coffee shop translating the comments, armed only with Babel Fish, my dusty memory and M's linguistic prowess.

I am happy (thrilled, actually!) to say that aside from the odd word, I could read the French, Spanish and Italian comments with no problem whatsoever. Yippee! I may not be able to carry on a conversation in France, Spain or Italy, but at least if I traveled to one of those glorious countries again, people could pass me simple notes and I would be able to read them. Would that be useful? Maybe not, but I'm proud of myself anyway. SO! If you are writing in French, Spanish, English (!) or Italian, feel free to challenge me with a little (easy) paragraph.

If you comment in German, I won't understand a word of it, but M speaks German, as well as basic Japanese, so feel free to send him some more advanced messages! He is already in linguiheaven from all the comments -- we might as well try to keep him there.

For the sake of my playwriting (and my stomach lining), I am now going to amend the request I made in my last post, by saying this:

If you speak a language other than French, Spanish, Italian or German, can you send me words and phrases instead of sentences, so that I can try to learn them? With the longer messages, I found myself cheating by using Babel Fish and not actually learning any words. Shameless, I know. If you send expressions suitable for...say...a toddler of less-than-average intelligence, I can learn them AND get to know some very interesting people at the same time.

By the way, my gorgeous and eccentric mother has started reading this blog in Italy, so I'm sure she'll appreciate the Italian comments as well. (Hi Mum! Yes, I'll email you soon. Jeeeez. Can't you see I'm busy spending four and a half hours not working, in a place that sells copious amounts of the substance I'm not allowed to consume? Some people are so insensitive.)

Thanks to all of you for the kind words in thirteen (!) languages. Best four and a half hours of my life.

Yes, I just discovered the make things huge button. Ausgezeichnet. Molto bene. Ben bon pour moi (I think that's Quebecois.) Muy bueno. A férfiak disznók!

Also...(Wow, longest post ever. Stop talking, Kate. Stop.)...I got some good news today. "A" of PHARK fame just got cast in a short film and got two days on a new American television series. Congrats, A. You're going to be a big star one day soon. Try not to forget the little people, though. (Not that you could call Rufus or I "little".)

And another thing (Hoooooly crap, Kate, less talky, more worky)...did anyone watch 11 Cameras last night? I watch it every week so that I can feel famous for half an hour and so that I can figure out my bad habits (ie. headbobbing), but last night I looked like Hermiod! My hair was hilarious! Remind me never to grease the middle section of my hair back and leave the rest down. NOT pretty.

Goodbye. Seriously. (Thank God.)

k.

2006-08-30T17:23:00.000-04:00

Curried Advil Soup/

Since Rufus has been so loving today, I thought I would post a more flattering shot. (In honest-speak, that translates to "a blurry shot in which his stomach is not featured too heavily".)

What a beautiful day in Toronto! It is sunny but not too hot (I can't stand the hot weather -- Vancouver and England are more my scene because I adore the rain) and the frantic Torontonians seem to be moving at a slower pace than usual today. I also ACTUALLY went to the gym today for the first time since 1982. (That might be a slight exaggeration -- I think it was some time in June.) Based on my impressive athletic diligence, the cost of the membership generally averages out to about $120.00 per visit. Excellent. Or should I say..."Ausgezeichnet." Did I spell that right? I hope so. It's the only German word I know, so I'm parading it around recklessly. One of my friends just moved to Berlin, so I sent him an "Ausgezeichnet" as well. Wait! I also know "Hauptbahnhof" and...um..."Eins".

I used to speak French, Spanish and Italian (I even TAUGHT Italian at one point) and now I barely speak English. The other three languages have just evaporated from my brain. It's very depressing. I'm hoping that all the Stargatonians (that's a new one!) from other countries will send me the odd SIMPLE comment in another language so that M. and I can waste more time translating them and learning a little something in the process.

One of my goals in life is to speak four languages well enough to have a conversation in that language with someone over the age of three. My mother lives in Italy and during one of my visits (before I took Italian lessons) this tiny little boy came up to me and started speaking. I couldn't understand a word he said and it actually made me feel like this toddler was cooler and smarter than I was...which was most likely true, but the point is: I want to be able to travel and communicate with people properly, not to feel like I am terrified of butchering their language. Living in Montreal for three years really helped with my French, but it's still not great and I get very shy about actually using it.

Thanks again for all the comments. I just have to say that the picture of the other orange and white catzilla "living in New York" IS Rufus. Now it's all coming together: He eats a generous portion of his weight control, so-pricey-it-must-be-made-of-gold cat food at The Loft, makes sure I've gone to sleep, sneaks out with his silent declawed paws, hops on the red eye flight to New York, eats another several bowls of food at his alternate American home, drags his over-stuffed cat body onto another flight home, tiptoes back in and ends up on my bed where I last saw him. As he so frequently does, he gives me an unmotivated bite (to distract me from his mysterious absence during the night and from the dark furry circles under his eyes) and begs for food. And so the cycle continues. Just think...all I had to do to catch him red-pawed was start a blog!

Um...I'm an ulcer rebel, by the way. I had two real coffees today and one decaf. And yesterday I had a beer. I'm doing brilliantly. I might as well go home and make a curried Advil soup. The thing is...it's still an improvement! That's not a very good sign, is it...

k.

2006-08-29T11:59:00.000-04:00

HOTographer/

By the way, the photograph below was taken by the gorgeous and amazing Lisa Stanton, photographer extraordinaire.

And thanks for the link to the thread. Cool!

2006-08-29T11:06:00.000-04:00

They Can't Take That Away From Me/

(Hey, I posted THIS photo myself. Nice.)

Thanks for all the cat info (catfo?), which I will definitely try out on poor Rufus. Just so you know, that cat wheel is the funniest thing I have ever seen. If I could build one, I would. I think tying a piece of chicken to a string is a pretty great idea, too, but I'm a vegetarian, so it would be sort of like tying a human ear to a piece of string and pulling it around my living room. I just can't. (I feed him meat disguised as cat food, of course, so I'm a bit of a hypocrite.) I might try using a cat treat or something as a toy instead, though. Would that defeat the purpose of the exercise? Hmmm.

On the subject of coffee...it pains me (quite literally) to say this, but my doctor just told me that I'm not allowed coffee anymore! Nor am I allowed chocolate, Advil, alcohol, spicy food or fried food. I told my dad and he said, "There goes breakfast." Nice. Of course, I'm drinking a coffee right now. Just a small one, though. And I just washed down two Advil with some Jack Daniels and a fistful of chili flakes. (That one was a lie.)

This blogging thing is DEADLY. I'm supposed to be writing a play right now. Ohhh dear.

Thanks again for all the feedback, though. And from so many different countries! Wow! David's fans are cool.

Pharkally,
K.

2006-08-28T23:41:00.000-04:00

M/

I just want to point out that my better half (we'll call him "M" just to keep all this lovely mystery going) figured out how to post that photo, so please don't go getting all impressed with me. I just logged on and found it there. He's lovely, though, and let me take all the credit. Wait...in that case...LOOK HOW COOL I AM?! I UPLOADED A PHOTO. UPLOADEROO. UPLOADERIFIC. YEP. TECHY TECH TECH TECH, THAT'S ME.

Time for sleep now. Not enough coffee today.

K.

2006-08-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

Four Goofs and a Cow-Cat/

Finally.
From the top, clockwise: P, A, K, R, and H.

2006-08-28T15:48:00.000-04:00

Phark This/

I decided to put up a photo of all the roomies, but it just isn't working. I'm sure it's the computer's fault. Yeah. Nothing to do with me. I'm a technological wizard -- a genius, if you will...except that I've only "chatted" twice in my life, I've never "texted" anyone, and I can't figure out garage band. I can record me singing and playing guitar (poorly) but that's where it ends, folks.

I will get my technological superior (no, not David -- he's all talk, except for that whole "creating his own web-design company" thing) to upload the photo, because it's pretty funny. It's mostly funny because my cat is obese. It's true. I don't know how to help him. If I try to play a game with him, he bats at the toy lamely with an unenthusiastic paw, but won't actually stand up, let alone run. Do they make those hamster wheels for cats? Probably not. Too bad. Although he'd just use it as a bed anyway.

Instead of a photograph, I will talk about my fantastic roomies instead and let you know what they're up to. A word is worth a thousand pictures, in my humble opinion, but I'll change that opinion as soon as I can get the frickin' photo to work.

So...my roommates: P, H, A, R and me (K). PHARK? Our initials spell PHARK. That's gotta mean something. (PHARK: The chemical reaction that occurs when you mix too many artists together and force them to live in one loft.)

P is an absolute delight -- a friend from high school days who I've acted with many many times, and for whom I wrote "Humans Anonymous", the play I produced in July. He's a gifted performer, a handsome dude, he cooks, he cleans...and he's British. And he's not gay, like his character in 'Humans' was. (Nor is he single.)

A is going to be famous one day...maybe one day soon. He will be starring in "The Graduate" opposite Sonja Smits this fall at the Grand Theatre in London, Ontario, as well as heating up the screen in "Warriors of Terra", which has the best trailer of any Canadian film I've ever seen. (Uh...I haven't seen the trailer for "A Dog's Breakfast" yet.)

H is a weird and wonderful writer who I met at the National Theatre School. His plays are dark, funny, moving and smart. He also happens to be a good actor. Lucky jerk. For some reason, my angry and obese cat is terrified of him -- possibly because H wrote a screenplay about poisoning his female roommate's angry and obese cat. (He's a pretty smart cat and I don't think he liked the subject matter. It's just a theory, though.)

R (for Rufus -- I named him after Rufus Wainwright) was abandoned (and declawed -- bad bad bad) by his previous owners when he was just two years old. Luckily, he was rescued from a high-kill shelter and put into a foster home, which is where I found him. He is the most badly-behaved cat I have ever owned. He's also adorable, so he gets away with it. He is orange and white with big green eyes and some stomach problems. And last night he ran headfirst into a wall.

And then there's me, the K in PHARK. I am an actor and a writer, taking a break after a crazy busy summer and procrastinating with my new blog before embarking on my next writing project, which is called "Use My Babies Well". Rufus and I are pretty happy with our lives right now. He eats as much as he can, as do I, and he sleeps a whole lot. I haven't been sleeping so well because my neighbour has a television built into the wall, but I don't mind. I love where I live, I love my roommates, I love this crazy neighborhood (which has the best coffee shop in Toronto -- I'm not kidding). I'm a happy Hewlett.

Speaking of Hewletts...thanks to all the Stargatites (did I just make up that word?) for their excitement about "McKay and Mrs. Miller". The episode was a total blast to film, and David was amazing to work with. (Sometimes. When he wasn't speaking. Or hitting. Or acting. Or eating.) This is the most idiotic question ever, but I have never had cable before, so I've had to watch episodes of Atlantis on dvd. Is there any way to watch Atlantis on t.v. here in Toronto?

Bye for now...keep checking in for that photograph I promised!

K. (the coolest letter in PHARK)

2006-08-24T17:42:00.000-04:00

Superbaby/

Me and my sister's baby, Jeremy, who is learning to fly.